Everyone you know has a blog, and they’re all terrible – meaning both the blogs and everyone you know. This blog and this blogger are no exception. My mom always told me that in order to help the world, I should look for a need and then seek to fill it; this blog is pretty much the exact opposite of that idea. Unless the world needs highbrow dick jokes and childish grammar mistakes, in which case I’m a hero; not the dick joke hero that Gotham needs right now, but the dick joke hero it deserves. A silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dick Joke Knight. Welcome to TimeSpentWasted.
If you’ve read this page to the second paragraph, I imagine that you have either very poor or very undiscerning taste. Either way, welcome home, buddy. So let me introduce myself: my name is B. Patrick Malloy and yes, I am as handsome as you’re imagining me to be. You may know me from my prior internet fame as the curator Manly Wedding Blog, a blog written to raise funds for my wedding that devolved into one large opinion piece about the movie Armageddon and how my best man was a dog dressed as a dolphin (sadly, that is not an exaggeration). Don’t bother going to that website however, since I stopped writing it after I got married. That site and all of its literary treasures are gone because it cost $8.00 a month to maintain and HostGator got tired of my “WHO AM I, JOHN ROCKEFELLER?” monthly phone calls. I’m also a published author of some repute. And when I say “some repute” I mean “little talent.” My first novel, Bang Bang, out from Bedlam Press, is a comedy about serial killers and it garnered some praise, as well as one Amazon reviewer who gave it one star because it wasn’t about Janet Reno (once again, sadly, that is not an exaggeration). The next novel is on the way, and it is also not about Janet Reno so if you’re here for Janet Reno fanfiction, move along. Whatever the reason for your poor choice in visiting this webpage, this blog will serve to quench my old readers’ thirst for posts about Bruce Willis’ disasterpiece Armageddon and my musings on dog costumery, as well as to keep any fans of my book (all 8 of them) up to date with my excuses as to why the next book isn’t out yet. Currently, my excuse is allergies and a gaping void of talent.
As far as what this blog hopes to accomplish, the short answer is: nothing. The long answer is: nooootttthiiiinnnggggg. (See what I did there? That’s word play. I told you I was a clever writer person). But in all seriousness, this blog is in response to requests I’ve received via email/Twitter/delusions/etc to revive ManlyWeddingBlog, which will never happen because I am neither manly nor planning a wedding. In fact, most of that website was an ode to how much I hated everything about weddings, which unsurprisingly made it difficult to write. So this blog will serve as my author’s blog (because apparently publishers want writers to have such things) as well as a platform for me to discuss pop culture, things I hate, things I really hate, and other unbelievably boring topics that millions of people are better qualified to discuss… and yet you’ve chosen to read me, you dumb dumb idiot. Basically, this blog is a time waster, because I’ve found that the primary demographic of my last blog was people who would read ANYTHING rather than continue typing in their spreadsheet at work. My demographic was people who actively hate succeeding at their jobs, which makes sense since that’s my primary talent in life as well. So this blog is here to kill time and brain cells all the while keeping you unproductive at work, meaning that it has the artistic integrity of the free Solitaire game in Windows 97. This is not a blog to write stupid clickbait to be shared by that annoying kid you went to grade school with on Facebook, so no articles such as “15 Ways Vladimir Putin Is Like This Cactus” or “Which Murphy Brown Character Is Your Cat?” or “By the first picture you’ll be smiling… by the end you’ll be in tears” or “Slate Presents: Oh That Thing You Love? Fuck That Thing You Love For Absolutely No Reason – Please Click On Me”. Additionally, it is not a mommy or daddy blog which I’ve only recently discovered are a thing. So don’t worry, because I don’t have kids, I don’t particularly understand kids, and if I raised any kids the last thing I’d want people to know is how I’m doing it (spoiler alert: cage fights). And since the internet is 30% clickbait, 10% mommy blogs, and 60% porn, welcome to your only alternative. Unless this blog starts to tank, in which case: Welcome to my Nostalgic Parenting Quizzes and Porn Blog, because I have no problem selling out. WHICH FERN GULLY CHARACTER ARE YOU!?!?!?!?!