Bachelor Recap: To Catch A Bachelor

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This week on The Bachelor, Arie showed up to a date with Bekah, who calmly requested from the next room that he place the wine cooler on the counter as she finishes up her shower. In case you didn’t get that joke, it’s because Arie was on To Catch A Predator, except instead of telling Chris Hansen that he was at the wrong house, he instead told Chris Hansen that he was, “Amazing, so amazing,” because Arie only learned one adjective at Vroom Vroom Race Car School. On the other hand, Bekah knows at least three adjectives and next year they’re learning multiplication. Also, Seinne went to Yale, and is somehow on a show with these two.

The episode started with Chris Harrison informing the girls that Arie had left the mansion, to which they replied, “So the FBI read his texts to Bekah.” Alas, it was because Arie had traveled to Tahoe for a romantic episode of wandering around the various hot tubs that are found in most American forests. It’s hard to go five feet in an American forest without tripping over a whirlpool hot tub. Tahoe is pretty much just grizzly bears chugging champagne in spas. Ah, the wild outdoors.

Welcome to Tahoe

The first date was a one-on-one with Seinne, who is this season’s Rachel. She is Rachel in the same way that when we first saw a woman of Rachel’s caliber stepping into a ring with a bunch of day-drunk girls who bought their personalities at Soul Cycle, we all thought, “Oh no, she got lost and ended up on reality TV.” A girl as attractive, intelligent, and accomplished as Seinne doesn’t need to compete with 13 year olds and Krystals and bug-slurping taxidermists for the heart of 1996’s second-place Bachelor. Similar to watching one-on-ones with Rachel, I spent most of the date just checking to see if she was slowly tapping out Morse code for “HELP” or “SAVE ME FROM RACE CAR MAN.” Seinne graduated from Yale. Arie thinks that Yale is a color.

Alternative ways to find a husband: Yale reunions, Mensa, or just pick any man you want in America

The second date was a group date for “survival training” which was really them just telling the girls to walk over a slightly inclined hill to a hot tub. The girls struggled with this like they were the Donner party. The biggest exceptions were Tia and Kendall. Tia did well because she’s never been indoors, and Kendall did well because she’s an insane person with no firm grip on reality. Kendall and Arie even ate a worm, because Kendall thinks she’s a mongoose, and Arie just thought his spaghetti was “dancey” that day. They also eat maggots, because Arie saw Pumbaa and Timon do it in a funny cartoon movie once, and because Kendall actually lives in a cartoon world in her head.

“Is it Thanksgiving already?” – Tia

The date saw some tension after the girls walked 30 feet past 2 whole trees to a hot tub. Krystal seemed to have a beef with Caroline and Tia. It wasn’t clear what caused the disagreement, but the two sides seemed to be that Krystal does not think earth is worthy of her celestial presence, and Tia and Caroline are only on this show for the free wine. And these aren’t their arguments against each other, these are each girls’ respective position on the matter. So, either way, these girls are all making great television.

Pictured: local sherpa, Krystal, braves 50 degree temperatures on her trek to a hot tub

It was time for the final one-on-one date, so Arie went into the chat room to ask “BEkaHguUrlL~~12~~<3” if she’s a cop one last time before deciding to take a chance on the one-on-one. While on the date, Bekah finally revealed her age to Arie as several heavily armed federal agents crouched in the bushes outside. Arie was shocked that Bekah was 22, which makes sense because she doesn’t look a day over 15. 22 is shocking, honestly.

“Wait, you aren’t 40?”

Arie was shocked at first that he was a 37 year old dating a 22 year old, because he feared that she might not be ready for a serious relationship. “Kendall and I ate bugs and drank pee earlier so that hopefully we can some day be on McDonalds commercials, but I’m not sure you’re ready for that kind of serious adult romance, Bekah,” he said as Bekah munched on a fistful of Cheerios from a sandwich bag. Despite Arie’s initial hesitation that Bekah might not be ready for marriage, he gave Bekah the rose, because although she may not be ready for marriage, he’s TOTALLY ready to bang a 22 year old.

You can’t spell “I PLEAD GUILTY” without “I L U”

The show ended with the rose ceremony, without a cocktail party. As is Bachelor tradition, a rose ceremony without a cocktail party treated on par with 9/11. The women freaked out, and Krystal pulled Arie aside before he gave out the roses. “I hope you don’t mind that I talk like Betty Boop if she was a stripper in Reno,” she slowly dripped out of her nose, to which Arie replied, “You’re amazing.” She stayed, as did other random women. Notably, he sent home the level-headed, model-esque Caroline because she probably wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. Notably, he kept Kendall, a woman who eats live bugs and tells her secrets to a stuffed otter, because she’s probably ready for a serious relationship. WITH AN OTTER.

Yeah, but on the plus side, she eats bugs.
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