Bachelor Recap: A Ruff Childhood

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Aspiring white wine DUI Annaliese is not only a contestant on this season of The Bachelor, she’s also overcome more adversity in her childhood than any other human on earth. Her life is like Angela’s Ashes set in an American suburb. This poor woman spent her childhood surrounded by bumper cars and puppies, so basically I Am Malala was based on her life. Monday night’s episode of The Bachelor dug deeper into Annaliese’s Oliver-esque childhood when it was revealed that one time she met a dog. Man’s best friend… or Annaliese’s worst enemy? Find out, this week, on Annaliese Hates Everything Good In The World, Featuring Arie.

The first date this week was to GLOB which was based around the completely forgettable 1980s women’s wrestling league, which also inspired the incredibly forgettable Netflix show. Somehow, the date was very forgettable. Who could have guessed!? The girls were taught how to wrestle by two very hungover cougars who yelled at them, which caused Tia and Bibiana to cry. This was a strange reaction because I’m pretty sure that Bibiana has a razor blade tucked behind her ear at all times, and Tia murders her neighbors over moonshine territory.

“The only thing we wrestle for now is custody.”

Eventually, all of the girls stopped crying about the mean cougars and they all picked “personas.” Bekah was the “Sex Kitten” because she’s not old enough to be the “Sex Cat.” The costumes all looked like they gave the girls twenty seconds to run through a Party City clearance sale and grab whatever they could off the wall. The first wrestling match of the night was between Arie, a tiny, middle aged real estate agent, and Kenny, an enormous professional wrestler. Arie won, therefore making his wrestling record better than his racing record.

Pictured: Arie with an excited Bekah after visiting the face-painting booth at the fair

It should be noted that there was a very weird wrestling match that was essentially just stripping. One of the 14 Laurens and Marikh just kinda made out and threw money at each other. I don’t think they quite understood the assignment, but it was so sexy that Arie only needed half a Cialis to get into it. They then all went to a bar that was themed after a trailer park, so Tia instinctively put in a lip of tobacco and started looking for neighbors to fist fight.

Wrestling typically involves way less oral sex.

Back at the very romantic trailer park restaurant, all of the girls fought for Arie’s attention while the producers struggled to keep Tia from her natural temptation to empty all of the septic tanks. “They’re just props,” the producers screamed. Bekah told Arie that she was a strong woman who don’t need no man, because she already has a guidance counselor and an entire yearbook staff to help her out in life. Ultimately, Bekah gets the rose as a 10th birthday present and Tia got arrested for smashing a bottle of Mickey’s into a fire pit while screaming, Get out here and fight me, Jolene!”

Congratulations to Bekah.

The next date is the one-on-one. This season the producers accidentally booked a private plane for a week instead of a day, so they have to use it on every one-on-one, and Arie and Lauren Model#1445 head to wine country. They both comment about how they could see themselves “living this lifestyle,” of course referring to the very real lifestyle of day drinking alone in a field every day of the week. I had an uncle who lived that lifestyle, and I can attest that as long as you get a reasonable bail, it’s a pretty great lifestyle.

Pictured: Lauren Model#1445 is excited to receive a date card

At some point during the date, the Lauren Model#1445’s batteries started to get low. “Lululemon… Chrissy Tiegan… totes love pizzzzaaaaaa,” she began to mumble as her brain slowly melted into a pumpkin spice latte. Even Arie, earth’s most boring man, was so bored by the Lauren Model#1445 that he just sent her home. She was so boring that she was sent home by a man whose sole personality traits are that he has chalk in his hair and he once drove a car. Now he only has 15 Laurens left.

RIP Lauren Model#1445

The final group date has a date card that said, Love is ruff. The girls began to wonder aloud if this date would involve dogs, because they’re geniuses. The only other option would be if this date somehow featured The Ruff Ryders and DMX hosted the date, which would have been much better. Anyway, the implication that there might be dogs terrified bumper-car survivor Annaliese into tears. “You mean the only species of animal that has biologically and historically evolved to be friendly and subservient to humans? We’re going to have to be around THOSE MONSTERS!?” she bawled.

“I’m coming for you, Annaliese…”

Annaliese revealed that during her traumatic Cosette-like childhood, she once met a dog. At this point, I think if they date card said, Love is a basket of venomous spiders, Annaliese would respond, “Whew, finally something romantic and cute.” So far, in only two episodes, she’s revealed a childhood fear of bumper cars and dogs. These are two things that, if combined, actually sound like the only movie on earth that would scare absolutely ZERO children. If I saw a movie called “Bumper Car Dog,” I would let a newborn watch it alone. Next week the date card will say, Sugar and spice and everything nice… and she’s going to shout, “I HATE THOSE THINGS” as psychologists across the country physically throw their business cards at the screen.

Welcome to hell.

The group date requires the girls to teach tricks to dogs, but it seemed like these dogs only know how to jump through hula hoops very slowly. That’s not impressive, my dog can eat its own poop… it’s entirely self-sufficient! The bachelorettes performed their amazing feat of convincing a small dog to walk through an enormous hula hoop in front of a crowd of children, to which Annaliese said, “I am terrified of children, when I was younger I WAS A CHILD!” Then she noticed that one of the children had cotton candy and she collapsed from terror. The rose ultimately goes to Chelsea, aka Discount Olivia.

Pictured: Somehow not Olivia

At the cocktail party, Annaliese realizes that she has to kiss Arie to stay on the show. I’m not sure why she wants to stay on this show, because it’s basically Fear Factor for her. Next week they might subject her to kittens or cookies or some other hellish torture device. Alas, she insists on kissing Arie, who promptly turns her down because he can’t reach her lips through all of the red flags. It is possibly the most awkward moment in television history, because about thirty seconds later some girl in a skimpy white dress who isn’t even on the show rolls up and dry humps Arie without any hesitation. This guy will make out with a manatee if it gets close enough to his face.

A reenactment of Annaliese and Arie’s kiss

Sadly, Annaliese chooses to go home, so the men in white jackets calmly tied her hands behind her back and loaded her into the limo. At the rose ceremony, a bunch more women I don’t recognize went home. Let’s just call them all Lauren. So Laurens 3-9 went home. Notable women that got roses were Krystal, Kendall the Son of Seal Serial Killer, Marikh, and Lauren #5611 (the Lauren that did the strip dance with Marikh). So, in summation, Arie likes stripper and dead seals. In the preview for next week, Bekah asks Arie if he knows how old she is. The answer is that now you’re on a state registry, Arie, go say hi to all of your neighbors.

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