Last night’s episode of The Bachelor was a disaster, and that’s even by The Bachelor standards – and this is a show that has employed Nick Viall for the last 10 years. In case the audience needed a reminder of how weird it is that a 53 year old real estate agent is collecting a harem of women born in the 90s, last night really highlighted that these are actual children. Annaliese actually cried over bumper cars, which would be absurd by itself, but there weren’t even bumper cars present, and Bekah continued to throw Cheerios off her highchair, because she’s 4 goddamn years old.
To help highlight the fact that Arie was drafted for Vietnam whereas these girls have never seen a home phone line, the episode started out with Arie on a motorcycle. Arie on a motorcycle looked like one big rolling mid-life crisis. He rode that motorcycle with all the swagger of a dad who was just trying to prove something to the world after mom banged her Crossfit instructor and he lost custody. That’s how badass he looked on a motorcycle.
The first date was with Becca, aka Crazy Eyes. As you’ll recall, in her bio for the show she managed to mention Sister Act 2 three separate times. Not even Sister Act, but specifically Sister Act 2. Plus she has eyes that were practically hand-crafted to stare at you from a narrow slit in your closet as you sleep. Arie said, “Hop on my motorcycle and we’ll reenact a Cialis commercial,” so Becca pressed pause on Sister Act 2 and hopped aboard.
Now, I’m no financial wizard despite making millions of dollars blogging about The Bachelor, but I’m pretty sure that Disney and ABC are up to some kind of laundering/tax evasion scheme, because they blew the show’s entire budget on Becca’s date. This is a television show that once featured a “destination date” to a Big & Rich concert in South Dakota, but last night they essentially threw Becca into a Scrooge McDuck money pit. Jojo’s season featured a destination date to Uruguay, whereas Becca, on just ONE DATE, got a pair of diamond earrings, a designer dress, met the designer herself, got a diamond necklace, and a pair of Louboutin heels. I hope that every girl who had to attend a Big & Rich concert in Cowfuck, South Dakota watched this episode at home with their cats and promptly punched a hole in their TV.
The strangest thing about ABC laundering thousands of dollars onto the neck of a Sister Act 2 enthusiast was that Becca, and all of the other 400 women just sitting around on the floor of the Bachelor mansion, all seemed to act like Arie paid for these items. Arie is a real estate agent who likes to make race car puns and ride a motorcycle like your creepy uncle, he isn’t paying for $50,000 shopping sprees. He can’t even afford hair dye or a personality.
After an afternoon of swimming around a pool of diamonds as Disney executives burned their tax returns in a large dumpster, Becca met Arie for their date that evening. For whatever reason, every date this episode featured the line, “But the date isn’t over yet…” about 100 times. These dates are endless, hellish marathons without end. The best part of the date was that when Arie saw her, at night, he said, “Daytime was so long ago.” What a conversationalist. The next morning he probably said, “The sun snuck into the sky when I was asleep,” before hopping on his motorcycle to remind viewers that if your erection lasts longer than 4 hours, seeks medical attention.
The next date was with Krystal, a woman with the voice of a stripper and the brain of a much less educated stripper. After Becca came back to the house with a pet tiger on a diamond leash, Krystal was surely excited as they boarded a plane and Arie announced, “We’re going to Scottsdale.” If I ever was put on a plane and told it was landing in Scottsdale, I would assume I was being sent to prison for murder. So it turns out that if you blow your entire budget in one date, you have to go to Scottsdale. It’s amazing that Big & Rich didn’t show up while they were there.
It turns out that Arie is from Scottsdale, which makes so much sense. Scottsdale’s city motto of “At Least We Aren’t Reno” is kinda like Arie’s motto of, “At Least I’m Not Nick Viall.” Arie gave Krystal a tour of Scottsdale which was completely void of free jewelry and designer shoes. “Here’s where a car went vroom, and there’s where a car went vroom,” Arie said as they basked in 180 degree heat beside a strip mall. But, as is this season’s theme, “This date isn’t over…” Every date is like a decathlon that ends in car puns.
In reality, rather than hopping off their bikes to begin a 10 mile swim, they actually went to meet Arie’s family. “This is the side of the family that I get my personality from,” he said, introducing her to a decorative rock on the front lawn. Krystal was nervous at first, but was soon put at ease because she looks EXACTLY like his mom and sister. She was probably relieved upon meeting Arie’s mom that she could borrow some bleach shampoo while they were in Scottsdale. Because there’s nothing creepy about dating a girl that looks like every member of your family. That’s what serial killers do. And then, “BUT THE DATE’S NOT OVER…” Krsytal wept, “Please just let me go home.” So they had dinner and it was boring, and after 6 days, the date finally ended.
The final date was a group date to a demolition derby track, or as Tia (aka Johnny Saucepan) probably calls it, a wedding reception. The highlight of the date, and the episode, and likely the season (if not my entire year) was Annaliese having a full PTSD breakdown because once she was on bumper cars. “When I was little, I went on bumper cars, and other kids… BUMPED INTO MY CAR.” That was her actual traumatic story. That was it. Her car was once bumped on a ride called BUMPER CARS, and now she was having a complete breakdown.“How are you still single?” her bumper-car therapist constantly asks.
The winner of the bumper car race was Sienne and she won a certificate that said, “GOOD JOB ON THE CAR STUFF.” Becca was given a Rolls Royce and Princess Diana’s tiara, but Sienne got a paper made on Microsoft Pain that said, “YAY FOR CAR DRIVING.” Seems fair, at least she didn’t have to go to Scottsdale. Johnny Saucepan came in second place because she was practically born in a demolition derby car… and by “practically,” I mean “literally,” and by “born,” I mean “conceived.” Also, notably, Arie lost because he has never gotten into a car and won something.
Classic Bachelor drama unfolded for the rest of the episode as girls talked to Arie, and every five seconds Kyrstal would slowly arise from a bush and say, “Can I have a minute…” in the exact voice and tone of somebody asking, “Do you want a private dance?” This very much angered Chelsea, aka Off-Brand Olivia. Chelsea took Arie aside to tell Arie that she had a kid. And then Bekah took Arie aside to tell him that she is a kid. “I liked today when the cars went vroom,” Arie thoughtfully responded before handing Chelsea a certificate made on Windows 95 that read, “GOOD JOB ON HAVING KID.” It was so much better than a pair of Louboutin heels.
The last notable event of the episode was Bibiana, the Miami Sound Machine, going full Miami on Krystal. It was a pretty great rant, and although it would likely result in slashed tires and neck for Arie, he should he choose her. I’m really rooting for Bibiana now. She even called out Krystal’s unmistakably strippery voice. The only problem was that she ended her rant by saying, “Mic drop,” and walking away. That’s not how that works. That would be like if she shouted, “SMOKE BOMB” and then leaped behind the couch.
Arie then gave out roses, and usually when someone Arie’s age keeps a girl Bekah’s age in a mansion for over a week, an Amber Alert is issued. He also kept Annaliese, which was probably a huge thrill for all of the members of her bumper car squadron watching over in Afghanistan. And, of course, we still have Kendall around, the girl who had to pack a bag to go on a dating show and thought, “I hope I can fit my socks AND my pickled bat, because otherwise my feet will be very cold.” She also revealed that Mr. Otter, her stuffed otter friend that tells her to burn things, is actually A SEAL! That was a straight up Sixth Sense ending to me. My whole world was turned upside down. “Tell them I’m a seal and then go find the matches,” Mr. Otter cackled.
See ya next week.