So it seems that weather casters across the East Coast have stolen my porn name to declare that we are about to be hit by a BOMB CYCLONE. This is going to sell so much goddamn milk. Invest in milk, people! So what is a bomb cyclone besides the best name for a storm in the history of ever? Apparently it just means that it’s going to be really cold. What the hell is that disappointment? I want some Elsa rocking out as she builds an ice castle shit to happen, or at the very least the ability to trademark my porn name.
When I get told I’m about to get hit by a bomb cyclone, I expect to watch old people get sucked up into the sky by a giant ice monster. I expect people frozen in place like at the end of Batman and Robin. Remember that scene? And then George Clooney redirects the sun via satellites and melts a dog who somehow was frozen mid-pee on a fire hydrant? I want a bomb cyclone that gets me excited as I get about that movie. In fact, it sounds like a weapon Mr. Freeze would use and then he’d say, “East Coast? More like the FREEEEEEZST COAST.” Be right back, I’ve got a script to write and send to Arnold.
So prepare your butts for the bomb cyclone, which seems like it will be neither a bomb nor a cyclone. I’m not sure how to sue the National Weather Service for false advertising, but if I told you that tomorrow I’m going to deliver you a FLAME BACON but then gave you a lukewarm granola bar, you’d be pissed. When I’m promised a bomb cyclone, I want a goddamn bomb cyclone. I want White Walkers and I definitely want dogs that are frozen mid-pee. That was a real movie that I watched in a movie theater. The pee froze too, and then the dog finished when he was unfrozen. Point is, when your neighborhood suddenly explodes in ice tomorrow, go rent Batman and Robin. Easily one of Chris O’Donnell’s top 30 performances.