Once, I attended my 4 year old nephew’s birthday party, and the only thing that kid even knew existed were race cars, so everything was race car themed. Nope, wait, I’m thinking about the Season Premiere of The Bachelor starring the newest Bachelor, Boring Guy That Nobody Remembers. Or, now that I think about it, that was my nephew’s birthday party. Either way, it was just a bunch of drunk train wreck single moms talking about race cars for 2 hours, so what’s the difference.
Arie, the Bachelor nobody wanted, is a RACE CAR DRIVER! You may have missed that if you didn’t pay close attention, they only made about 500 race car puns. Examples are: “I want to make it to the finish line!” Or “I hope our relationship stays on track” or “Hey Arie, you’re so fucking boring that I want to drive my car into a wall.” Arie is also a real estate agent, also known as Not A Race Car Driver. If you succeed as a race car driver, you very likely don’t then get a 9-5 job in an office. Danica Patrick wasn’t also a notary public. And a real race car driver would never make so many puns about their job. Jeff Gordon likely doesn’t wake up in the morning and go, “I’m off to the races!” and he certainly doesn’t wake up and say, “Better get to RE/MAX before my lunch break ends,” because he’s actually a race car driver.
The obvious stand-out of episode one was Kendall, a woman who seemingly lives in Gaston’s hunting lounge from Beauty and the Beast where she sings “Wheels on the Bus” to a stuffed otter. So her life already has WAY too many similarities to the Son of Sam killer, but who am I to judge her? I’ll leave that to the actual judge at her impending murder trial. We also met Krystal, who is jumping on the hot trend sweeping the nation: WORKOUT VIDEOS! Get ready, because 1987 is going to be a huge year for the industry!
Another new contestant named Tia is from Weiner, Arkansas, the only town in America named by Larry the Cable Guy. And Tia’s accent sounds like an old-timey settler playing “She’ll be comin’ round the mountain” on a washboard, so it makes perfect sense that she also knows Raven, from Nick’s season. If you don’t remember Raven, she’s the girl with a Southern accent so thick that she makes Foghorn Leghorn sound like Michael Caine by comparison. We got a nice quick video of Tia (herein called Johnny Saucepan) and her friend Raven hanging out, and by hanging out, I mean smacking spoons against their legs while hooting out “John Brown’s Body” in an abandoned rail car.
When the girls began to arrive in the limo, that feeling of absolute disappointment when they saw Arie was palpable. “At least he’s not Nick Viall,” the women and America sighed as they stepped from the limo. The girls trying to fake their excitement that it was Arie all tried a little too hard. There was a lot of “I was so happy when I heard it was you, Arie. I used to download your entire season on Limewire on dial-up back when I was 8 years old.” But he did make their hearts race. GET IT!? LIKE A RACE CAR! HE DRIVES RACE CARS! It’s been about two paragraphs since I made a race car pun and ABC has threatened to sue me if I don’t use a race pun at least 200 times in this post. I apologize.
Some of the standout entrances included Bekah, who rolled up in the back seat of a car. All of the other girls were very angry. “Look at this uppity bitch, being transported from one location to another using a VEHICLE.” Her and Nick immediately hit it off because he loves race cars, and she, too, loves race cars, because she’s 5 years old. She explained that she was a rock climber, which makes sense because she’s a goddamn wood sprite, and even the smallest pebble is like a boulder to her. She probably needs rock climbing equipment just to get into an office chair, so everything must feel like rock climbing to her. Plus, she was in a car! And the car went vroom, just like Arie likes!
Maquel arrived in a race car because DO YOU GET IT!? ARIE LIKES RACE CARS! Inside, as the other girls sipped champagne and ate race car cake off of paper plates with pictures of race cars, they were very angry. “Yet ANOTHER GIRL using a car as a means of transportation? She’s worse than Hitler.” Way too many of these girls focused on his love of race cars, and not nearly enough on his love of real estate transactions. Like maybe if Krystal had said, “Arie, I want to move into your house tomorrow because I’m moving WAY too fast.” Get it? Because “moving?” And she’s crazy desperate.
Brittany then got to pull Arie aside for something wild and unexpected… A RACE CAR RIDE! They were tiny race cars, or as Bekah calls them: full-sized race cars. Arie’s reward for winning was a kiss, but also winning his first race ever in his career. “Looks like I’m not going back to Berkshire Hathaway after all,” he exclaimed, his career renewed.
The first impression rose went to Chelsea, a single mom who described her job as a “love-hate relationship.” That job, once again, was SINGLE MOM. I hope her kid watches the part of the show where she says, “My career is that I’m a mom, but I hate the people I work with.” That won’t scar the psyche of the kid watching his/her mom on national television try to bang a 50 year old man who wears race car pajamas to bed. This is all very healthy.
My favorite moment of the night that didn’t feature singing The Itsby Bitsy Spider to an otter corpse was Jessica giving Arie a rock. That’s it… just a rock. And as she puts it, “When you find that rock later, you’ll think of me.” Or, more likely, he’ll think, “Why the fuck is there a rock in my pocket?” It was a clear case of a girl who’s never seen The Bachelor watching as limos pull up with girls giving gifts or doing gimmicks, so she just grabs a nearby rock and goes, “This is a special rock.” She’s like the cartoon guy who shows up to a date with a handful of flowers clearly ripped from the house’s front garden. She was one-step away from saying something like, “I got you this cocktail napkin from the limo, but I wish it was a CHECKERED FLAG!” to which Arie would go, “THAT”S A RACE CAR THING! I LIKE RACE CARS! VROOOM VROOM.”
Only one girl showed up in costume, which was upsetting. I mean, Kendall has an entire house of rotting animal corpses and annoying instruments, so she had so much potential for a costume… or homicide. Annaliese dressed up as “The Kissing Bandit” which was supposedly Arie’s nickname when he was on the 1993 season of The Bachelorette. It was a huge missed opportunity because if she had dressed up as a race car driver, Arie would have shot his pants across the driveway.
Then the rose ceremony happened and a bunch of girls nobody cares about when home. Oh, except for the one girl who told Arie that her father passed away, and that before he died he got to meet Arie, so this entire experience was so special for her. But fuck her, because she didn’t make enough race car puns, so Arie sent her home. His thought process was likely, “Sure, there’s that girl who opened up to me with that sweet and vulnerable story about her dead dad, but Brittany let me do the vroom vroom! And Maquel and Bekah showed up in big vroom vrooms. I LIKED THE PART WHERE THEY WENT VROOM,” so she was sent home, because Arie likes the vroom vroom.
The upcoming preview of the season was everything we expected. Lots of solitary walking along cliffs, lots of locations that look exotic but then we get to the episode and it’s Uruguay or some garbage destination like that, there’s always the misleading cut of an ambulance that sets it up like there was an actual murder when in reality one of the girls gets a small bruise while playing volleyball. Actually, this season there might be a murder. I don’t know what kinds of instructions Kendall receives from Mr. Otter, but I imagine they focus heavily on “sinners” and “cleansing flames,” so who knows. Maybe Arie will find love, or a personality. Maybe Krystal will learn to talk like a not-stripper. Maybe Bekah the wood sprite will turn 8. Maybe Johnny Saucepan and Raven will start a jug band called The Weiner Sisters. There’s so much potential in store!