In a brilliant move by ABC, they’ve switched their casting of The Bachelor from Nick Viall, a man who everybody hates, to some guy named Arie, a man who literally nobody knows. “You can’t hate somebody you don’t know,” laughs Nick Viall as he slides on his “Arie” wig and covers up his sleeve of bracelets. Seriously, let’s not pretend this isn’t just Nick Viall in an elaborate disguise, because all he’d have to do to disguise himself is dress like an adult man. And it’s not like he’s got a job to go back to, and he already lives in the crawlspaces of the Bachelor Mansion, so enough with this “Arie” business. There is no Arie, there is only Viall.
ABC has already released the bios of the competing Bachelorette contestants, and as is an annual tradition on this blog, we will now pass judgement on women who are way more attractive than me, using only their photos, hometown, and occupation, all from the comfort of my keyboard, because I am a brave, confident, and fulfilled man. Not having yet looked at the bios, I can already sense a pretty hefty heaping of non-existent job titles which are typical on this show. There’s always at least a “assistant-something” and a billion “executive ____” or “recent graduate of _____,” which is Bachelor talk for “unemployed.” So, without further adieu, here are the women vying for the heart of Nick Viall dressed up as an Uber driver named Arie.
First up, we have Ali, a personal stylist from Lawton, Oklahoma. And right off the bat, we have a clever rephrasing of “unemployed.” Technically, any person who decides which shoes to wear in the morning has just stylized themselves personally. Also, her bio has some clear contradictions, because it says she has no tattoos, but also that she’s from Lawton, Oklahoma. WHICH IS IT, ALI? Because it can’t be both. If you’re born in a place called Lawton, Oklahoma, I’m pretty certain that the nurse delivering you inks a tribal tattoo around your ankle before they cut the cord.
Next is Amber, from Denver. She’s a “business owner,” which means that no, you’re not. For example, if you own and operate a dental practice, you’re a dentist. Nobody files their taxes and lists their occupation as “business owner,” because that’s not a job. So when you cite your job as “business owner,” what you’re really saying is, “I once sold a doll made of cat hair on Etsy.” When asked what competitive sports she’s played, she said “Competitive Dancing” so apparently she also doesn’t know what sports are. Front-runner for sure.
Annaliese is a 32-year-old from California. Under the tattoos section, she writes: “Yes, I have a star on my left wrist. My mom and I went and got tattoos together for her birthday last year.” It’s a two sentence answer, but it’s enough for a full psychological evaluation right there. It also means that she misspelt “Las Vegas” as her birthplace.
Ashley from West Palm Beach, Florida is up next, and if Corinne has taught us anything, it’s that the most sane and balanced contestants come from Florida. She’s a real estate agent, making her the first person on our list with an actual job that pays money and has an office and all that fancy job stuff. She also claims that it takes her a week to do laundry, so either she lives in a Conestoga wagon or she does the laundry for a prison, because that’s the only way that statement makes any sense at all.
Next is Crazy Eyes, aka Becca K. But we shouldn’t pass judgment that she’s crazy too quickly just because of her crazy eyes. Instead, we should pass judgment because she somehow mentions Sister Act 2 TWICE IN HER BIO. Even Whoopi Goldberg hasn’t brought up Sister Act 2 that many times in her life, let alone in a five-question bio. Also, the five things she can’t live without are: chapstick, facial lotion, bobby pins, popcorn, and stamps. Why is her face so dry that 2 of her essential items are dedicated to that problem? AND WHY STAMPS!? WHAT IS SHE MAILING IN 2017? Probably copies of Sister Act 2 to strangers, because she’s not crazy at all. I have high hopes for Crazy Eyes.
You might remember Bekah M as the age-inappropriate fairy from the 90’s classic “Fern Gully.” If you don’t get that reference, then I’m sorry you had a fulfilling childhood filled with actual Disney movies and not low-rate knock off cartoons like Fern Gully and We’re Back: A Dinosaur’s Story. It’s a movie about a slutty fairy saving a rainforest. Bekah is a nanny, so not only is she gainfully employed, she’s not lying about her job! That’s a Bachelor first! She also competed nationally in rock climbing, so I think I might just marry her myself, and it has nothing to do with my off-brand-Disney-cartoon fetish at all. Now just put on this Little Foot costume for me, gurrrrl.
And we’re back in the unemployment line with Bibiana, an “executive assistant” from Miami. Do you know the difference between an “executive assistant” and an “assistant?” There is none, except the former is lying to you about having a job. Her bio also states that if she could be any animal, she’d be a “free orca” so that she could live in the ocean, but that her biggest fear is sharks. She does know that sharks live in the ocean, right? She’s also a professional cheerleader who hates football. There’s a lot of contradictions in her story and she didn’t dress up like a bargain-bin 90s cartoon character, so she’s out.
Bri, a woman whose name ends before you even begin saying it, is a sports reporter from Grants Pass, Oregon. She brings such thrilling headlines as: “STILL NO SPORTS IN GRANTS PASS, OREGON” and “ONE TIME I SAW A BASEBALL, BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY A PINECONE.” She also apparently won an Emmy, but my guess is that there are a lot of adjectives on that, similar to the “Daytime Emmys.” She probably has a Daytime Grants Pass Local News Emmy for “World’s Shortest Name.”
In the world of crazy names, next we have Brittane J, which I feel doesn’t need to be distinguished with the initial, because they had better not have the GALL to pronounce her name like “Brittany” or “Britney.” Your name is BRITTANE and it rhymes with Maine, and that discussion has now ended. If she could have lunch with three people, she’d choose Beyonce, Bernie Sanders, and Whitney Houston. That is the best answer ever given to that question. It’s way better than Becca’s answer that she’d have lunch with three copies of Sister Act 2 on Blu-Ray.
Brittany T, who is the only girl named Brittany on this show, is a tech recruiter from South Carolina. In 5 years, she hopes to be “married with two corgis.” Don’t fly too close to the sun, Brittany, you’ll burn up! Keep those wild dreams in check! If she could have lunch with three people, she would choose Hillary Clinton, Beyonce, and Chris Evans, because I guess she’s always dreamed of hearing Chris Evans say, “What the fuck am I doing here?”
Caroline is a realtor from Massachusetts. When asked if she has any pets, she responded: “No dogs yet. I’m waiting for someone to co-parent a dog with! I do have a plant, his name is Phil.” So, the real answer is that she does have a pet, but it’s your pet bunny and it’s boiling on your stove right now. In response to the lunch with three people question, she said: “Vince Vaughn, Betty White, and Ryan Reynolds. It would be a blast of a lunch and we’d pretend it was Betty’s birthday at a Hibachi restaurant!” That sounds less like she responded to that question off the cuff, and more like she’s already completed a working script of the world’s weirdest Hibachi-centered comedy. So, she’s insane.
Chelsea is a “real estate executive assistant” from Maine. She clearly generated her job title by throwing the most commonly used terms on Bachelor answers into one job. If she added the word “personal” she would have the ultimate Bachelor fake job answer of all time. For tattoos, she says: “I have simple wave lines on the side of my palms on both hands.” Now I’ll never get back the 20 minutes I just spent staring at my hands trying to figure out what the fuck that could even mean.
Jacqueline is a research assistant from West Virginia, but she’s not an EXECUTIVE research assistant, so what is she even doing on this show? She responded to the lunch question with: “David Foster Wallace, Julius Caesar (with translator) and Thomas Jefferson. Antipasta and cocktails.” So it only took two contestants for Caroline’s insane fake Hibatchi with Betty White answer to be one-upped in the crazy rankings. Also, thankfully she noted that there would be a translator, because in a world where we have the technology to bring all three people at that table back to life, we don’t have the technology to translate Julius Caesar. But wouldn’t it just be hilarious if they all pretended it was Thomas Jefferson’s birthday? Caroline, get to work on that script for the sequel to Betty White’s Hibachi Hi-Jinks!
Jenna is a social media manager from Upland, Indiana who needs to be told that having an Twitter account isn’t a job. That’s not what “job” means. When asked if she could be a fruit or vegetable, she said she would be: “A pineapple, standing tall, wearing a crown and sweet on the inside.” So, she thinks that pineapples are tall. Fun fact about Jenna: she’s never seen a pineapple. Her top three favorite movies are Sixteen Candles, Princess Bride, Taken, none of which feature a hilarious plot about a sassy lounge singer pretending to be a nun for the second time, so she has no taste in film.
Next up is Jenny, a graphic designer from Northbrook, IL. Her bio is very boring. It’s like the all of the top answers for a Family Feud episode where they only polled 100 basic white women. She does mention that her guilty pleasure is: “Sundays lying in bed all day, watching reality TV and eating pizza.” Ya know, the exact answer that a white girl emoji would give. Also, that’s not a guilty pleasure, because everyone does that. A guilty pleasure is something you enjoy but is shameful, like making out with VHS tapes of Sister Act 2, or having elaborate sexual fantasies about Vince Vaughn pulling birthday pranks on Betty White at Hibachi.
Jessica is a television host from Calgary, Canada, which might be a lie, but there’s no way to know. There’s no TV in Canada, so we can’t fact check it. It’s the perfect lie. Her favorite book of all time was written by Shonda Rhimes, so she’s obviously an intellectual titan. Move over Great Gatsby, there’s a new great American novel: How To Write Shitty Television Shows About Doctors Having Sex is the greatest book EVER WRITTEN. She also says that kissing is her favorite food. My only question is whether she’s too smart.
Kendall is a creative director from California. If she could be any animal, she’d be a: “Bat – flying mammal! My sister said my spirit animal was a bat because I see beauty in dark things.” And if she could be any object, she’d be a HUGE RED FLAG. She also claims that the craziest thing she’s ever done is: “I once drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train. No lie.” Meaning that the girl with a flying mammal spirit animal that sees your darkness also can’t differentiate between real life and a scene she saw in Fast and the Furious 6, so if she could be any other object, it would be a BIGGER red flag.
Krystal is a fitness coach from Montana, so if she can teach a moose to do push-ups, just imagine what she’s capable of! When asked if she’s a city or country girl, she replied: “Can you ever take the country out of the girl?” What? Are we assuming that there is country in the girl? Has country been put into her and we’re supposed to know that? Is the answer that she’s a country girl? Or is she a city girl? That answer is like half of an annoying bumper sticker. The rationale for that answer is put into context when she says that if she could be an animal, she’d be a: “Unicorn because those who believe in magic will find it.” Oh, so it’s drugs. She’s on very hard drugs. Gotcha, these answers makes sense now.
Ladies and gentlemen, you can now remove your seatbelts because we’ll be at cruising altitude with nothing but Laurens on auto-pilot for the next 60 women. I’m not sure how The Bachelor always manages to cast this many Laurens, but every season they have more Laurens than exist in the United States. It’s a phenomenon which probably has a lot to do with the fact that they cast this show by dragging Cupcake wine bottles on a string through Lu-Lu Lemon stores.
Lauren B is a tech salesperson from Chris Harrison’s Lauren cloning machine. “Make them even more boring. More boring, moooore,” Chris Harrison cackles as lightning strikes outside the window of the Bachelor Mansion, his endless conveyor belt of Laurens being pumped from the Lauren Maker 5000. That, or she’s from Virginia, but more likely the first one. Her favorite artist is “T-Swift (so basic.)” Because the only thing more basic than listening to Taylor Swift is being a white girl who refers to herself as basic. And the only thing more basic than all of that, is calling her T-Swift. The Lauren Maker 5000 really outdid itself with the B model.
Lauren G is an executive recruiter from Indianapolis. When asked what she was most afraid of, she answered “Losing one of my family members” because Jesus Christ, she does not get the vibe of this thing at all. It’s a fluff piece interview, Lauren G, you’re supposed to say, “OMG spiders are spooky!” not “Someday we will all need to face death and the black nothingness of existence that follows its sweet release.” Just talk about Sister Act 2 or about how you and Burt Reynolds are gonna have a fake birthday party for Tilda Swinton at TGIFridays.
Lauren J is a 33 year old “recent Masters graduate” from New Roads, LA. There’s a lot to unpack there. First of all, unless you got your Masters in “being a doctor,” it shouldn’t take until you’re 33. Second, she’s from a part of Louisiana that was so excited to get a new road that they named themselves after it. Imagine being so excited that your town got roads you changed your name to “New Roads, Loisiana.” “Take THAT, Old Walmart, Louisiana,” the uppity residents of New Roads surely boast. Also, she’s 33, which in Bachelor years is like 89. This show is typically creepy older men banging 23 year olds and we all pretend it’s normal. Whenever a woman over 30 shows up on this show the producers are usually like, “I guess we’ve gotta plan a date around knitting or dying or something.” I am excited to hear about that new road, though, sounds riveting.
And finally we’re out of Laurens. Just kidding, Lauren S is a social media manager from Dallas, so once again a woman on this show thinks that knowing how hashtags work is a job. If she could be anyone for a day, she would be: “Literally anyone in Taylor Swift’s girl squad.” Alright, we’ve hit peak Lauren. The Lauren-o-meter has exploded. This girl is such a basic Lauren that she doesn’t even fantasize about being Taylor Swift, but instead she wants to be one of her friends. That is the most basic thing ever, except nope, Lauren actually went even HARDER in her bio, mentioning not only Taylor Swift, but also J.K. Rowling, the musical Hamilton, and AVOCADOS. And she uses the phrase “GOALS.” This is a three sentence bio and she managed to mention every basic white girl thing in the universe. This girl is too white for Richard Spencer.
Maquel is a grown woman without an actual human name. She is also having a white-off with Lauren S, because her bio features hashtags, Ryan Gosling, and the use of the word “obvi,” which is not a word, much like Maquel is not a name for a human. Seriously, I think they’re just tossing this Arie guy into a Starbucks and telling him to pick somebody who only listens to country music because she thinks wearing the boots is “totes cute.” That’s what this show has become. She’s also a 23 year old photographer, so if we’re keeping track of whether she’s employed: she is not.
Much like Maquel tried to one-up the whiteness of the girl above her in the cast, Marikh decided to one-up on the absurd name competition with Maquel. Marikh, which sounds more like a hookah bar than a human, owns a restaurant and she’s from Utah. God, I hope it’s a hookah bar. She’s most afraid of “unfulfilled potential.” Girl, you own a restaurant and you’re only 27, I think you’ve fulfilled some potential. Unless it’s a hookah bar.
Nysha is a 30 year old orthopaedic nurse from South Carolina and goddammit, Nysha, I don’t watch this show to see intelligent, employed people who make rational life decisions. I want 23 year old photographers to throw wine at each other on an absurd date with a helicopter, not watch you be well-adjusted and affable. It’s girls like Nysha that keep this show from becoming Rock of Love, which is not a compliment. I love Rock of Love. It’s the Sister Act 2 of dating shows.
Olivia is a marketing associate from Illinois whose favorite book is 50 Shades of Grey, so thankfully we’ve returned from Nysha’s well-rounded existence back to the world of illiterate part-time waitresses from fly-over states. It’s not embarrassing to read 50 Shades of Grey, but if it’s your favorite book that means you’ve read literally any other book and thought, “This isn’t as good as 50 Shades of Grey.” And the only time that is an acceptable thought is if you’re reading the sequels to 50 Shades of Grey.
Sienne is a commercial real estate manager from Long Beach, CA. The 5 items she can’t live without are “Yoga mat, passport, lip gloss, sunglasses and the ocean.” So, fun fact I just learned, “Sienne” is an ancient term for “Lauren.” And when asked if she’s religious, she says, “I am spiritual.” Nice try, Sienne, but we caught you copying Lauren S’ bio. BUSTED.
Tia is a physical therapist from Weiner, Arkansas, and that’s all we’re gonna need, folks. No need to read the rest of her bio, because this woman is from a town called WEINER. Get it? Like a penis? Tia shall henceforth be known as Princess Tia of Weiner, and she is my new favorite contestant. Godspeed, sweet princess, and do it for Weiner.
Valerie is a server from Nashville, TN, and she’s also the only contestant being honest about her employment status. Her greatest accomplishment is: “Buying my first house in downtown Nashville before I turned 25,” so I hereby retract my previous statement, because she’s lying about one of these things. Unless she thinks “house” means “car” and “buy” means “rent,” then she’s a liar. No server on earth is buying property, except maybe in the middle of nowhere, like Weiner, Arkansas. Remember that one? The town named Weiner? It’s gonna be a great season.