Mad Scientist About To Transplant First Human Head

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When your entire life’s ambition is to create an actual Frankenstein (‘s monster, for all you clever assholes out there), it’s probably not a great idea to look like a cartoon of a mad scientist. But that’s exactly the direction that Sergio Canavero has taken with his life. Rather than make a measly living as a doctor, Canavero shaved his head, found the most mad scientisty glasses available on earth, probably bought a big lab coat and black leather gloves, and then decided to perform the world’s first human head transplant. In a recent press conference, presumably from atop the tallest tower of a spooky castle in a thunderstorm, Canavero announced that he expected to have a date for the surgery within days. Which is good, because the world kinda sucks now, so it’s as good a time as any for it to end.

“He looks well-intentioned.” – Nobody

The article posted above mentions that the surgery will be performed in China because Europe and America wouldn’t allow it. Presumably, Mexico was the next stop. I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty certain that no legitimate surgery has ever started with the phrase, “We did it in China because countries with rules and regulations threw us out.” Imagine being the medical board that has to review this surgery as proposed by a guy who very clearly has a human centipede in his basement. If the mad scientist preparing to remove my head told me that we had to do it in China because all of the countries with clean drinking water turned us down, I wouldn’t be optimistic. Then again, I wouldn’t be optimistic because I’d be a human head on a cat body in a cage in Canavero’s basement. Speaking of…

Correction: “human centipede(s)”

The article also casually mentions that he’s already performed a head transplant on a dog. A guy who is chopping off pieces of dogs and putting them back together isn’t exactly what I’d call a “surgeon” or a “doctor” but more what I’d call “my uncle who isn’t allowed to live near schools anymore.” But in this obvious murderer’s defense, a scientist in the article actually cites the lack of animal tests as a reason not to go forward. Apparently seeing some Rottweiler head being dragged around by a chihuahua body wasn’t enough to sway this doctor, but maybe a small army of moose-chickens would sway her. And let’s not pretend Canavero’s not also preparing that.

Soon, my pretty, Canavero coos as he receives yet another rejection letter from a country with infrastructure

So, yup, China is gonna let this guy take a head off a person, and put it onto a corpse body. And, not to sound prejudiced, but China doesn’t strike me as the kind of country that cares if this person/corpse is voluntary. It strikes me more as the kind of county that lets people swap heads because, ya know, that’s exactly what country we’re talking about here. In the weeks to come, make sure to keep your eyes open for news about the first monstrosity that begins the downfall of humankind, or maybe don’t, because Cavallo might put your eyes into a fish butt and China will say, “Go ahead, it’s not like we’re some pussy country with ethics.”

“We need more lightning and virgin blood.”

 

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