Make America The Great Pumpkin Again

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Get it? I combined Trump’s slogan with “The Great Pumpkin” from Charlie Brown because I am a shining bastion of wit and genius. Our dear beloved Donald recently released some limited edition Pumpkin MAGA hats on the public, and of all the things on earth that never needed to exist, this never needed to exist the most. We’ve already discussed the hilarity of MAGA hats before on this blog, but he somehow managed to improve on his gas station headwear for Halloween. Trump is a businessman at the end of the day, and he realized that people wanted a way to quickly explain to the world, “I hate Muslims but love candy.” It’s actually probably on the dating profiles for most people who already wear MAGA hats.

“We still say “Merry Halloween” in this country, dammit!”

The best part about Pumpkin MAGA is, of course, the consistently low quality and high price of the product. The Pumpkin MAGA hat is essentially the first clip-art option for “pumpkin” put on the front of a hat, with the words “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” on the back in size 40 courier font. I’ve seen more effort put into dicks drawn on bathroom stalls than in the design of this hat, and this hat costs $45 goddamn dollars. For anyone interested in purchasing a snapback hat with the world’s most basic Jack-O-Lantern design on the front, give me your $45 dollars and I’ll go to Party City and get you enough of those hats for you and 44 of your friends because I’m not an idiot.

“That’ll be $50.”

These hats are roughly the same quality as the green plastic “KISS ME, I”M IRISH” fedoras, and both hats display to the world that you have confusing views about sexual assault. Once again, I’ll give you a bargain if you’re looking for that kind of quality. Give me $45 bucks and I’ll get a bright pink plastic bowler hat, I’ll cross out “HAPPY NEW YEAR 2013” and write “THEY’RE TURNING THE FROGS GAY” on it, and then I’ll give you the hat and $44 dollars in change. What a steal.

I just saved you $45.

So go out and pick up your limited edition “I’M ONE MONTH AWAY FROM BEING AN ASSHOLE ABOUT CHRISTMAS” hats today for the low, low price of $45. You can tell it’s worth that price because it has that weird rope thing running between the brim and the cap of the hat. You know, that weird, useless bit of rope that only exists on hats that your grandpa wears because he got it for free. But instead of people saying to you, “Take it off, Grandpa, you don’t give a fuck about Penzoil,” they’ll instead say, “How festive, now can you please give me your unsolicited opinions on an election that’s been over for a year?” Happy Halloween.

Look fashionable while you read transcripts that don’t exist.
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