Growing up in the 90s, I have a particular fondness for “after-school special” episodes. I still remember the episode of Saved By The Bell where Jessie got addicted to caffeine pills and then Zach Morris turned his chair around and was like, “Yo, caffeine is basically legal cocaine,” and I immediately started drinking coffee. Similarly, the first two episodes of Bachelor In Paradise were an after-school special during which Chris Harrison decided a group of unemployed 30-year-old personal trainers would be able to have a reasoned and intelligent conversation about rape allegations and race relations. Spoiler: they did not. Also, Fabulous Robby’s face reminded us of the dangers of “**caffeine pills.” (**cocaine).
Night 1 of the completely unnecessarily 2-night premiere brought all of your favorites back to paradise, and by your favorites, I mean all of the worst human beings in Nashville. It all started with the return of Raven, the girl whose voice sounds like an old prospector smacking spoons against his knee. “I voted for Trump, I look good in a bikini, and I’m here to find love,” she said before jigging to Turkey In The Straw.
Then a bunch of other people showed up, including the Russian and Dean. Dean is like if a Ken doll traded his personality to a witch in exchange for being turned into a living human. All of the girls seemed to like Dean, because he has many compelling qualities like 1) he has nice teeth, and 2) … nope, that’s about it. But they’re very nice teeth. Kristina said, “He has strong teeth, like wolf, they will help him survive long winters,” so she was in love. They high-fived their perfect teeth in a makeout sesh.
DeMario showed up with an annoying whistle, and Raven was quick to approach him and call him garbage. Because if there is one thing that the girl who talks like Colonel Sanders dropped out of high school should do is immediately confront the only black guy and question why he’s there. In the current political climate, it was very comfortable when the girl with the Southern accent spends the whole first episode talking about how she doesn’t want the black guy on the island. “And I’d also like to talk about which water fountains ya’ll can be using.”
Corinne finally arrived, and guess what, it eventually caused production to shut down. Kinda like last year, when they invited Chad and he pooped his pants and told everyone at the hotel to eat a dick. At this point, it’s hard to feel bad when these people invite actual psychopaths onto booze island and then they start trouble. It’s like those documentaries on TV where someone is talking about how their pet chimpanzee tore their fingers off. Sure, it’s a tragedy, but there’s also that small part of you that’s like, “Yeah, but you brought a chimpanzee into your house, did you really expect to keep all 10 fingers?” Basically, you can’t have your cake and avoid defamatory false rape claims too.
Corinne and DeMario hooked up immediately because Corinne was drunk and DeMario was trying to drink away the sound of Raven telling him not to walk on the sidewalk. As it turns out later, there was a sexual encounter that caused production to shut down. Luckily, production had a great idea: take America’s least intelligent humans and collect them on a dock for a group discussion on consent and race relations. Oh wait, that was a typo, I meant to say that production had the WORST IDEA OF ALL TIME. To sum up the discussion: “If a woman gets too drunk, consent isn’t such a big deal anymore.” Basically, the whole ordeal ended like To Kill A Mockingbird, where everyone knows the black guy was framed, but in the end when the evidence cleared his name, they kinda just go ahead and punish the black guy anyway, and then somehow the moral of the story is: the white guys who talked about how he wasn’t treated fairly are the true heroes. Also, Ben Z is Boo Radley in this analogy. Well handled, ABC. Well handled.
Iggy had a connection with Lacey, but I’m not about to pretend that anybody, including them, cares about that plot line. Diggy got less airtime than the crab falling off a table. Derek seemed to connect with Taylor, creating the power couple of “Who?” and “Boo.” Ben Z seemed to fall hard for Raven, because they both have dogs. That’s the same kind of connection that 1st graders who are “dating” have. “You have blonde hair, and I have blonde hair, so you are my girlfriend.” But that’s an unfair analogy because Ben Z is still working on his 1st-grade diploma, and we wish him the best of luck in keeping the colors between the lines. You can do it, Ben!
Alex seemed to hit it off with Amanda, probably because he reminded her that she has kids. Not reminds her of her kids, but just reminds her that she has two very young children, because I feel like she might not remember that. There was a weird section where everyone made fun of Alex for being short, and HOW DARE THEY. We would never lower ourselves on this blog to make cheap short puns. I would never stoop that low. They took a step down in my book. I actually thought much less of them – roughly 40% less than the national average of them.
The only other notable date was the arrival of fabulous Robby, who took Raven on a date to the beach. Robby very much so enjoyed being with a woman in a bikini, because then he can see more parts of her female body, which is something that he enjoys. Robby spent the entire date dancing with the white lady, and also jet-skiing with Raven. That was a cocaine joke, everybody, just so we’re clear. Everyone was curious how Robby managed to manscape for 26 hours a day, get 300 abs, and work on his hair longer than a drag queen on a windy day, but it’s not really a mystery. Judging by Robby’s pupils, I’d say he’s got plenty of time to do all those things because he’s been awake for 9 days and hasn’t eaten in 12.
The episode ended with a cliffhanger because there are only 8 women, 8 roses, and zero likable human men on the island. Ben Z is probably the most likable, but whatever girl chooses him is going to get worn out having to pack his Gogurt every morning. Wells is also the bartender now, which was a weird twist in the current political climate to have an American go down to Mexico and take a Mexican’s job. Goddamn American immigrants. Next week the rose ceremony commences, and we’ll see who is sober enough to get to day 3. Also, maybe Chris Harrison will sit all of these Rhodes Scholars down to have a round table discussion on abortion laws.