I give, I give, and I give. I’m not unlike the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation in that way, except that I’m not a nerd, they actually have a positive impact on the world, and foundations can’t shoplift Butterfingers from Rite Aid. But otherwise, we’re basically the same. In the spirit of giving, I, along with my lovely publisher Bedlam Press, have put my new novel into a Goodreads giveaway. And this isn’t just any giveaway, this is a giveaway where you have a chance to win a SIGNED copy. Signed by ME, PATRICK MALLOY. That raises the value of the book from $19.95 to $19.95 plus whatever the value of the ink is, which I would imagine is at least a ha’penny or two.
If you’re unfamiliar with Goodreads, it’s like Facebook, but for literate people. I’m not saying that people on Facebook aren’t literate – they’re saying that when they make a post asking for recommendations on local plumbers, as if Google doesn’t run on the exact same platform that their goddamn Facebook does. MAYBE ASK FOR RECOMMENDATIONS ON A SEARCH ENGINE, GLADYS! But Goodreads is like if your Facebook friends were replaced with books, and books have many advantages over people on social media.
For one, books don’t post Minion memes on their social media. Not once has The Great Gatsby posted a generic grandma joke about how Mondays suck with a picture of a Minion in a dress. NOT ONCE! And no book has ever thought that their Facebook post was going to single-handedly impeach President Trump. “WHAT DONALD TRUMP HAS DONE IS TREASON #RESIST,” Kevin from Albuquerque types into his phone as President Trump weeps. All your weird friends from grade school do that, but NOT books! Pride and Prejudice doesn’t think they are the only person on earth outraged about Donald Trump, Jr. Pride and Prejudice isn’t pulling that shit on your timeline.
Another advantage is that books on social media don’t take lavish vacations that you can stare at through your computer screen as you sit at your desk dying inside wondering where the fuck Randy from Marketing gets all this money to be jetting off to islands all the time. You’ll never be sitting there thinking, “I make about the same amount of money as The Catcher In The Rye, so how can The Catcher in the Rye afford to go to the Bahamas?” And then you remember your very expensive addiction to collecting Precious Moments dolls and realize, oh, yeah, that’s where all my money goes. Who needs the Bahamas when I have a porcelain ghost baby petting a sheep on my dining room table. Hypothetically. We’re getting off track.
What I’m saying is that you have a chance to win a free paperback book, which is like a Kindle that you can burn easier, that has been signed by your least favorite blogger/author/Precious Moments devotee. And, while you’re at it, you can join Goodreads so that you look smart. Imagine you’re at a bar and you’re talking to a beautiful man/woman/dead Precious Moments baby and you check your phone. Your date gets upset, saying, “Are you checking your social media while we’re at dinner?,” and then you’re all like, “Nah, boo, I just rated The Girl On The Train 3 stars because although the plot had me hooked, I found the payoff to be disappointing.” You know what won’t be disappointing? All that sex you’ll be having after that smooth move. So click the link at the bottom of the page and join the giveaway. And if you win, message me that you read the blog and I’ll write you a special message (spoiler: it might* be about Precious Moments dolls).