To the joy of this website’s 4 readers, we will soon return to Bachelor coverage with the return of the show’s equivalent to dumpster diving: Bachelor In Paradise. This is when ABC populates an island with people that are so unlovable and annoying that they couldn’t convince someone as desperate as Nick Viall to date them. It’s been a tough year for The Bachelor franchise, and not a “tough year” in the sense of low ratings, but more so in the realm of homicide and rape allegations. Not even the Real World is able to rack up allegations like that, and that franchise recruits exclusively from prisons.
Luckily, the above-linked article clears DeMario’s name. There’s an old, ancient saying, which I believe is so ancient it is actually found on cave-paintings: DON’T MESS WITH CRAZY GIRLS. DeMario learned this the hard way, and he only had to pay the small price of being nationally linked to rape allegations for the rest of his life. Oh, and he had over a week of worrying that he’d end up in a Mexican prison for a sex crime, but otherwise, everything worked out fine. Seems fair. Anyway, in preparation, here’s a cast preview of the people we know are making the trip to Unlikeable Instagram Island.
Raven is returning, aka the talking possum. Raven made it to the finale with Nick Viall, because she dates the way she votes: against her interests. The guys will surely be won over when Raven takes them on a romantic date and begins to play Turkey In The Straw on a jug and then retells the story about the time she put a stiletto heel through her ex-boyfriend’s neck. What a catch.
Amanda is back. She is a castaway from Ben H’s season, and she has three passions in life: her children, talking about her children, and leaving those children for long stretches of time to go on reality TV. It would be like if you did nothing but talk about how much you love your dogs, but then you spent six months a year on Cat Island complaining to the cats that you miss your dogs. There’s nothing wrong with being a mom who is heading to her third season of reality television, but it’s a little strange to spend the entire time talking about how much you want to be with your kids – it isn’t like Chris Harrison is kidnapping this woman. Or maybe he is, kidnapping seems to be the only major felony this show hasn’t covered this year.
Praise the Bachelor gods, for they have returned Alexis to us. Alexis is a girl who takes the Bachelor franchise about as seriously as a person should, meaning that she dresses up like a shark, calls herself a dolphin, and gets wasted. She’s the hero this show deserves. For every girl that says things like, “I think I might really find my husband during this three week binge drinking orgy,” there should be at least one hero like Alexis in the background making fart noises in a children’s Halloween costume.
Derek from Jojo’s season is back. You might remember Derek as the guy who… just kidding, you don’t remember Derek. Jojo’s entire season had all the substance and meaningful interaction of a toddler playing with dolls. There was less personality on that season than at a mannequin orgy. It was like watching an ABC producer drive a bunch of cardboard cutouts around South America. Here’s a recap of that entire season, for those who missed it: MALE: “I am a personal trainer.” JOJO: “I don’t want to be here.” The end.
There’s a girl named Lacey claiming that she was on Nick’s season, which seems suspicious. Maybe she was a producer, because she sure as hell wasn’t ever shown on camera. More likely, ABC realizes that they can grab any white chick out of her Mini-Cooper, throw her in front of a camera, and the audience won’t realize that she wasn’t from the franchise. Also, if I was going to make up a name for a generic white girl, it would be Lacey, so that’s the most probable scenario.
Love of my life Kristina the Russian returns. Her most memorable moment was when she told a story about how she nearly starved to death as a child in a Russian orphanage, and then Nick Viall used that as a good opportunity for a makeout session. She talked about being thrown out of her house when she was 6, and she somehow got to America and turned out attractive. I was thrown out of my house in my twenties and I still struggle. She’s always good for a reality check when one of these Williams & Sonoma enthusiasts complains about sunburn and she can say something like, “Once I sold my brother for a Triscuit, but Triscuit was stale. That was good Christmas.”
Nick, aka St. Nick from Jojo’s season will be on the island. There’s not much memorable about St. Nick other than he showed up in a Santa Claus outfit, which was the only non-Chad moment that anyone remembers from that season. Hopefully, after having to suffer through Jojo’s season, St. Nick will get to meet women with actual personalities. After dealing with Jojo, the first time a girl starts a sentence with, “I think…” St. Nick will probably go, “Wait, you WHAT?!”
If she wakes up for her flight, Danielle M from Nick’s season will be on the island. With her complexion, I really hope that a burn unit and/or fire department is kept on site, because I’m pretty sure that just a full moon would light that girl on fire. Her most memorable moment was when she told Nick that she was a neonatal intensive care nurse, to which Nick replied, “So do you work in a hospital?” Nope, Nick, nurses treat half-dead newborns in food trucks. So hopefully she meets a man who understands the difference between a shot girl and a doctor.
Taylor’s back. She’s “fun.” The quotation marks are for sarcasm. She is not fun. She is the worst. Taylor seems like the girl that reminds the teacher that they didn’t give out homework. Having Taylor on a tropical island would be like inviting a dog to Cat Island, which, as we’ve already discussed, is poor form. Also, why do we have this show at all? Why are we going to watch some girl named Lacey who is basically just a talking brunch, when we could have an island of cats? Give me a call, ABC.
Don’t be a drag, just be a queen. It’s Robby, bitch. Robby is like if Dr. Frankenstein had attempted to bring a Ken doll to life using glitter instead of lightning. Fabulous Robby’s passions include: fashion, moisturizer, plunging pastel v-neck t-shirts, fashion, and having sex with naked women. Boy does he love having the sex with ladies. See, sometimes sarcasm doesn’t need quotation marks.
Ben Z the talking gorilla is back. Luckily this show takes place on a tropical island, so Ben Z will have plenty of caves to choose from when he gets sleepy from a day of clubbing mammoths to death. If there is any girl that is particularly turned on by a guy who shatters boulders with his forehead as a form of conversation, then Ben Z is a catch. Actually, Kristina will probably say, “Breaking rocks into smaller rocks was considered best job in my village.” Match made in heaven.
STRANGLE BANG! Jasmine was maybe my favorite girl from Nick Viall’s season, because she spent the entire season hiding in a closet with Lacey before exploding spectacularly onto the camera to talk about how much she loves choke sex. She barely said a word for about ten episodes, and then randomly thought, “It’s about time this show addressed strangle banging.” She asked Nick if he like “the chokie” to which Nick responded by swiftly sending her home, because Nick can’t handle a real woman and her forceful hands of romance. Hopefully she finds love on the island, and by love, I mean choke sex. But isn’t that what love is anyway?
Alex, one of the producers’ small children, will be allowed on the island. The ladies will have a hard time resisting Alex when he takes off his shirt, throws on his floaties, and heads to the edge of the water to make sand castles. Ben Z might actually carry Alex around in a BabyBjorn, which would be goddamn adorable. I’m already preparing all of my very cheap, unoriginal, lazy short jokes for Alex, but most of them are… low blows. HA! Because he’s extremely tiny.
Finally, Kevin Federline’s barber Vinny is back on the island. Vinny is a barber with the world’s worst haircut, which is like being a fat personal trainer. I have literally nothing else to say about Vinny, because I can’t get over the hair. It’s so distracting. It consumes me.