Sure, you’re probably here to read another Bachelorette blog, but as we’ve previously discussed, a straight, white male writer giving his opinions on the first black Bachelorette is a sure-fire way to get himself thrown into internet jail for life, and I’m too pretty for Internet jail. But while I may not have brave, witty takedowns of goofy men from behind the safety of my keyboard, you can still treat your eyes to my beautiful words with the pre-release of my SECOND NOVEL! Critics agree, it’s one of the top 3 novels I’ve ever written.
Pre-order from my publisher Bedlam Press before the release later this month to get $4 off the paperback (sorry, owners of lavish home libraries, but hard-covers are sold out). If you’re looking for a reason to buy this book, I’ll give you some reasons.
- It is cheaper than, and has fewer calories than, most dinners. The last time I went out to eat, it cost me around $50 for me and my wife to have pizza and beer. “What is this, the South of France?” I recall screaming as I was removed from the establishment. A smart reader like yourself, however, does not need to get belligerent with a waiter over the price of pizza, because for just $14.95, you can pre-order my book! Science has proven, in a lab, that this book has zero calories. So, boom, you can’t argue with labs that do SCIENCE. I bet you’ve never even been to a lab.
- People will think you’re very smart on public transportation. Many of us commute to work, on a bus, a train, a subway, or, as I do, by helicopter. No matter how you commute, the only thing people do on public transportation is judge the other passengers. The other day I saw a 25 year old white girl with an enormous flat-brim hat that said, “GET MONEY” but the E was a $, which doesn’t even make sense. NONE OF IT MADE SENSE. But if that same girl was reading a book, I’d be like, “Wow, she seems smart, I bet she gets mon$y.” That could be YOU, if you pre-order my book for just $14.95!
- It will successfully stop most doors and it is flammable. When my first novel came out, many of my family and friends would say, “I bought it, but I just haven’t read it yet,” to which I would reply, “I don’t care if you read it, I don’t get paid by your eyeballs, now get out of my house, Aunt Joyce.” So, if you want to use it as a doorstop or as kindling, it can do that too! Of course, if you want to rob yourself of a literary treat that takes you through a supernatural mystery in the swamps of Louisiana that feels like if Indiana Jones starred John Wick, then sure, rob yourself of that pleasure and live a less fulfilled existence. But, why do you hate yourself? Instead, buy two books: now you have a doorstop AND a literary feast. Read on with an open door… and an open heart.
- Cormac McCarthy is a smug little bitch. That’s right, I said it, let’s dethrone Cormac McCarthy as the greatest living American author. Wouldn’t it be great if America’s greatest living novelist wasn’t some guy who thinks he’s too cool for quotation marks, and instead was a guy getting thrown out of a pizza place in Philadelphia? WE CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN (see reason #1). All we have to do is outsell the lifetime sales of Blood Meridian and then I’ll be considered the greatest living American novelist… I think that’s how that works. We can make that happen for just $14.95 if you pre-order my new novel! Plus, unlike Cormac “The Ten-Hit Wonder” McCarthy, I actually use quotation marks and give my characters names. It’s not that hard, Cormac! Just call him “Jim” or something! NAME YOUR GODDAMN CHARACTERS!
No matter what your reason, make sure to pre-order Shadows on the Bayou by Patrick Malloy. And yes, the spider on the cover has 7 legs, congrats on your math skills, Mr. Hawking. The reason for the 7 legged spider is in the book, so you’ll have to read it to find out. Or Venmo me $50 bucks and I’ll tell you, but it’s cheaper to just buy the book, so you’re welcome for that discount. Think of all you can do with the $35.05 you just saved!