I’m widely regarded as one of the greatest gamers in America. I’ve beaten at least 3 games, and 1 of them didn’t even rhyme with Shamassins Schreed. So, yeah, I’m legit. As such, the world looks to me for guidance, and last week we started with a quick guide to the Overwatch attack heroes. This week we continue from the ATTACK category to the ASSHOLE category. Here’s a list of assholes:
Bastion is a player that is so easy to use, a mailbox could play him. I’m actually 90% of Bastions that I play with are secretly mailboxes. Bastion isn’t bogged down with the technical problems that other characters experience and doesn’t waste time worrying about such trivial issues as aiming, or taking damage, or dying, or reloading, or strategy. Also, he’s got a bird, the world’s most annoying type of animal, because he wasn’t annoying enough on his own. Basically, you could spill coffee on your keyboard and win as Bastion.
Hanzo isn’t annoying at all, but do you know who is? Everybody who picks Hanzo. When designing the character, Blizzard forgot to include a scope, which is kinda an important feature for a sniper to have. It would be like designing the soldier character but forgetting bullets. Do you know the technical term for a sniper without a scope? Useless. But, he’s Japanese, so all of the internet’s creepiest white people have to pick Hanzo so that their pillows won’t make them sleep on the couch. Just to be clear on that joke, they fuck pillows with cartoons on them. That was the joke, and the reality. I hate Hanzo players.
There are some aspects to every game that certain players want to avoid. I don’t like flying, so I don’t play characters that can fly. Some other people might not like healing, so they don’t play healing heroes. Junkrat was designed specifically for the players who don’t like to do anything. If you play Junkrat, it’s required that you not aim, stick with the group, or provide any assistance at all. All you have to do is throw bombs recklessly around the map with no real strategy. Playing Junkrat is basically America’s invasion of Iraq. And it generally turns out that well.
If a genie gave me three wishes, my first wish would be to make the fictional character of Mei real. The second wish would be to kill Mei. My third wish would be for the genie to be able to fully comprehend how happy he has made me, because words will not be sufficient. Mei is an interesting character because she is the only character designed to actually help the opposing team. She can do such helpful things as cutting you off from your healer, locking your team in a room, or my personal favorite, a special ability which allows her to save only herself while her entire team dies around her. She is the worst. Somebody find me a genie.
Torbjorn is Swedish, and he has a little weird dot thing over the second O in his name, but I’m a goddamn American, and he’ll play by my rules. We may have been a bit hasty earlier when we claimed that playing Bastion is the easiest thing to do in the game. Bastion is based on the concept that someone should be able to play regardless of whether they wanted to actually do anything. Torbjorn is based on just watching that. Torbjorn’s turrets just auto-aim fire at anything that moves, and his job is to watch them do that. So there’s a certain skill level to play Bastion, but the skill level required to play Torbjorn basically just requires being able to go around plugging in different Bastions.
Widowmaker is some kinda half-spider lady with a sniper rifle. She has a poison gas trap that does less damage than stubbing your toe on your endtable, but unlike Hanzo, she actually has a scope. Because, ya know, she’s actually a goddamn sniper. The only requirement to play Widowmaker is that you can’t aim. The minute a teammate picks Widowmaker I just can’t wait until the last thirty seconds of the round when nobody can reach the objective except Widowmaker, so she takes the opportunity to fire six or seven shots into a nearby pillar before we lose. The entire concept of the game is that you need to stand in a designated place, but for Widowmaker players, the concept is to stare at that designated place and shoot walls on the other side of the map. Because you hate your team.