If there’s one consistent theme on this website, it’s my absolute pageview whoring. I’ve watched entire seasons of The Bachelor just because so many readers seem to enjoy my analysis of unemployed mid-western personal trainers and “aestheticians.” So, in keeping with that tradition, it seems the two video game reviews that I’ve done have been getting lots of page views, so let me get my makeup on, cuz mommy’s goin’ whoring tonight.
Overwatch is a global phenomenon, combining the world’s two greatest passions: Disney/Pixar movies and murder. The goal of the game is to work as a team of 6 people to complete a goal. Or if you’re playing in solo queue like myself, it’s a game where the goal is to send the most passive aggressive messages through a pre-set list of commands before throwing your controller through drywall. THANKS THANKS THANKS. So, for those who seem to enjoy my rambling game reviews, or for anyone interested in Pixar Deathmatch, here’s a recap of the characters so that you can decide which one to be told you suck with by a 9 year old on the internet. (We’ll do this as a few posts so that it isn’t too long, and so that I can milk those sweet sweet page views. Mmmmm, tasty page milk.)
When Blizzard designed Genji, they had a meeting on day 1 of development. Somebody said, “What if there was a ninja character? Like with throwing stars and a sword and he can climb walls?” Everyone agreed that would be a cool idea, prompting one of the other developers to say, “Okay, anything else to add to this character?” and they all agreed that nope, all good. That was the end of Genji’s character design. Ninjas on your child’s pajamas aren’t as generic as Genji.
McCree is an American cowboy character, and, much like America, he excels at firing incredibly dangerous weapons without much concern for his surroundings or consequences. Like most cowboys, he has a silly hat, he has a 6-shot revolver, and… he carries flashbangs. So, apparently the design team has a better grasp on generic ninjas than generic cowboys, because they’ve confused them with special ops. Do you know why cowboys ride off toward the sunset, Blizzard? Because they don’t have goddamn nightvision goggles. Get your genres straight.
Pharah can fly above your head and fire rockets at you. If this sounds like a character that a 5 year old dog could play and be successful, you’re correct. They designed McCree after a drunk off-duty cop from Reno, whereas they designed Pharah after a sentient tomahawk missile, so it’s a slight advantage. If you want to play with all the fairness of a drone strike, then pick Pharah. Also, she got a tattoo on her eye, so she’ll never find gainful employment outside of a coffee shop, so she makes poor life choices.
Do you think that your Jack Skellington shoelaces from Spencer’s Gifts aptly display to the world the undying darkness that lives in your suburban soul? If so, then Reaper was designed just for you. Reaper is a ghost-skeleton who talks about death a lot. He’s like if the drawings that the weird kid in your high school scribbles in his notebook came to life. He also fires twin shotguns with one hand each, because he is so fucking edgy that he doesn’t care about carpal tunnel syndrome. Fun fact: he was actually programmed by just plugging the data from an Evanescence CD into the game. Pretty cool.
This character isn’t just named after Clint Eastwood’s erect penis – his entire character design is inspired by Clint Eastwood’s erections. He’s an old man, but that doesn’t stop him from being a proud Amurrican killing machine. He fires an automatic rifle with missiles and has an enormous 76 on his back FOR FREEDOM. Much like America itself, Soldier 76 believes that the solution to most problems is to give some guns to an old white guy and see what happens. And you you know what happens? LIBERTY AND JUSTICE. FOR ALL.
If you pick Sombra, you are suddenly faced with an existential question: what is stronger – my teammates’ hatred of me, or my hatred of myself? It’s kinda like when someone gets into a minor fender bender during morning traffic, causing miles of cars that slowly drive by with their middle finger raised. They know the driver didn’t suck as a driver on purpose, but they’re sure that the driver’s ineptitude is the reason that their day is ruined. That is Sombra. Sombra is the minor traffic accident that could have been easily avoided, but now has caused a 6 hour delay while the 5 other people on her team drive slowly by, scowling so hard that their faces hurt.
There’s a reason that Screech wasn’t the mascot for Saved By The Bell – he’s annoying. When you make an annoying person your primary representative, you’re unsurprisingly going to annoy a lot of people. Yet, the Overwatch design team created a character who sounds like squealing truck brakes with an accent, and then they made that person the game’s mascot. Tracer is like the slowly dying fire alarm in your house. At first you ignore the occasional shrill beeping noise, but eventually it gets annoying, but you can’t find it. But you can sure as hell hear it. And now, you cannot accomplish anything until you hunt down and destroy that phantom annoyance. That’s Tracer, as she zips around the map, annoying the shit out of everyone.
Tune in next week when we review the “DEFENSE” characters, and remember, Friends Don’t Let Friend’s Pick Sombra.