Just like everyone predicted when gay marriage was legalized, now America is filled with people marrying dogs and gay Disney characters. Rick Santorum was right, and now nobody will hear America’s tears except for my wife, who is a border collie. Of course, since the Internet is an agent of tact, people have been freaking out both positively and negatively about the revelation that LeFou is gay in the new Beauty and the Beast. Yes, the bestiality Stockholm syndrome love story where a slave-owning dog kidnaps some chick, and then she bangs the dog. How dare they put a gay character in a movie that has such kid-friendly features as hostage exchange and kidnapping, all starring a cast composed primarily of indentured servants. As I said, Rick Santorum was right and everyone is banging dogs now. Why didn’t we listen to Rick Santorum, he was right about everything, especially about how Obamacare was exactly like apartheid. He’s so smart.
But, gay Disney characters isn’t a new thing. When your company is founded on close to 100 years of musicals about princesses, somehow, someway, a few gay characters might show up. So just so everyone shuts up, here’s a list of just a few of the gay Disney characters that have existed for years, starting with:
In case you don’t remember, LeFou is a Disney character who sang a 4 minute song about how he wanted to bang his best friend, who is a guy. The original LeFou actually sang a song about his best friend’s eating habits and body hair, which isn’t exactly what straight friends do for each other. If I went to the bar and started singing, “Oh, Jason smells so pretty and his words are so witty and I like to kiss him while he’s sleeping,” it might come across as a little bit gay. So, no, LeFou isn’t the first gay Disney character, and he’s not even the first gay LeFou.
Stereotypes are an ugly thing, but if I was going to fly blind on a guy having a musical tea party in the middle of the day by himself, I’m gonna say that guy might not be into women. In fact, Uncle Albert is so light in the loafers that he physically floats (what a lazy, lazy joke). Mary Poppins swings by his house and doesn’t walk in on him drinking alone watching football, but instead he’s singing songs about laughing while having a tea party on the ceiling, and nobody finds this behavior surprising for Uncle Albert. If my wife came home one day and I was dancing around with a tea cup singing about my silliness, she might have some concerns. But, then again, as I’ve mentioned, my wife is a border collie. THANKS A LOT, GAYS.
It takes about two lines into his dialogue for any conscious viewer of The Lion King to go, “Welp, Scar’s gay.” He’s also a Nazi, so props to the risks Disney took in the 90s because I can’t imagine it would get approved today if some writer said, “And then we have this big Nazi rally where the gay cat sings a song with Whoopi Goldberg.” That person would be immediately sent to rehab. But seriously, go rewatch the entire “Be Prepared” scene. He’s like a lion Liza Minnelli in that scene. Lion Minnelli. Ugh, these jokes are so lazy.
If you’re reading this, wondering how a name like “Audrey” ends up on a list of magical Disney characters, then clearly you haven’t seen Disney’s 2001 casserole of average known as Atlantis: The Lost Empire. Or maybe you’ve forgotten it, just like Disney is hoping you do. Audrey is a character who performs vehicle maintenance in the movie, and yes, it’s a Disney movie boring enough to feature heavy amounts of vehicle maintenance. Now, for some reason, I thought that it was confirmed in the movie that Audrey had a wife or something, so I Googled it, and let me give you some solid life advice: NEVER EVER INQUIRE INTO A FICTIONAL CHARACTER’S SEXUALITY ON THE INTERNET. Do not leave the comfort of this list, because at least this list DOES NOT HAVE VISUAL AID. You don’t want to know the things I’ve seen Sebastian the crab do just to find out if Audrey was openly gay. Let’s just say, the guy’s got a lot of hands. Moral of the story is, a majority of people on Tumblr seem to agree with me that Audrey is gay, and we shall never EVER speak of this “Tumblr” place again. So many little crab hands…