Bachelor Finale Recap

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I’ve put off doing this for over a week, because it is like being asked to recall a traumatizing experience. It’s hard for survivors to tell their stories, and we’ve all had to survive this train wreck known as the Nick Viall season of The Bachelor. But we will not let this painful experience define us… we will move forward, and ABC will finally see my vision and begin casting immediately for Chris Soules 2: Arlington Boogaloo. So, this is my recap of the painful wasteland of terrible known as The Bachelor finale, and also a brief pitch to ABC for CS2: AB (see: Chris Soules 2: Arlington Boogaloo).

Pictured: a lone Bachelor viewer makes it to the Nick Viall finale

Yeah, so, let’s get this out of the way like a Band Aid. We’ll get it done quick, and I promise, and hope, it will be the last time any of us ever have to think about Nick Viall again. The finale was a competition between Raven, who is basically a talking possum, and Vanessa, an E-level actor in the death throes of her career attempting to launch herself into 4 minutes of fame via The Bachelor. So our possible outcomes were a nearly-40 year old man ends up with a 19 year old jug band enthusiast, or that same scarf-enthusiast middle aged man ends up with a girl who is on this show solely to aspire to Jordan Rodgers levels of fame. THANKS FOR THE THRILLING SEASON, ABC. GREAT WORK. I TYPE MY SARCASM IN CAPS.

Nice season, ABC

Nick Viall, wearer of bracelets and women’s pants, did the typical finale thing, but his family didn’t even seem to have the heart anymore. Usually there’s a big to-do about meeting the bachelor’s family, but at this point Nick’s family has seen the Bachelor cameramen more than they’ve seen their own family, so they phoned it in. There’s only so many times they can meet indistinguishable brunettes with horrible taste in men before they admit they don’t care. This guy brings home more “fiancees” than their cat probably brings home dead birds. And similarly, at first it’s a big deal, but eventually you just kinda shrug and kick the bird your porch. That’s a literal metaphor.

“Mom, dad… meet my new fiancee, stock photo of a brunette.”

Nick ultimately chose Vanessa, most likely because due to the age gap between him and Raven, he likely would have to register for a watch list with the state if he’d proposed to Raven. Also, Raven’s an adult woman named after a spooky bird who talks like how a cowboy boot smells. That sentence sounds weird, but if you really think about it, I’m absolutely right. But at least she got her first orgasm in Finland with Nick Viall (see, even in a terrible episode, I can make a few jokes… orgasms with Nick Viall in Finland… hilarious).

Meanwhile, back in Hoxie…

Finally, in a finale that even ABC gave up on months ago when they announced Rachel as The Bachelorette, Nick proposed to Vanessa. It was so anti-climactic and unexciting that it’s a miracle they didn’t wrap shooting half-way through his proposal. Somewhere in LA, some poor ABC editor who had watched 300 hours of Nick Viall fart-smirking into a mirror, finally collapsed. The season was over at long last, and Nick picked the actress. Because of course he picked the actress, this engagement is about as real as Raven’s high school diploma – and her homeroom teacher was a dairy cow.

And they lived happily ever-after to the full length of their contractual obligation

I’m so sorry to have made you relive that experience, so let’s move on to the future. Rachel as The Bachelorette  will be amazing, because she’s great, but sadly I won’t be allowed to comment on that season, because I’m a white guy. If I write one crude joke about the first black Bachelorette, the Internet will literally take human form and burn my house down. So, as advised by my homeowner’s insurance, there won’t be any recaps about next season. Oh, how will the world survive without this blog that reaches tens upon dozens of faithful readers. HOW?!

“I’ll just type this one quick joke about Rachel, and SEND…”

Which brings us to the real purpose of this post: to finally convince ABC to make Chris Soules 2: Arlington Boogaloo. Look, ABC producers (who clearly read this website religiously), I’ve been right about everything. I told you that Nick Viall would be a walking douche disaster, and I was right. I told you that Rachel was so overqualified for Nick that she would start her season while still actively on Nick’s season, and that actually goddamn happened. I told you about a million times that Jojo wasn’t actually a person, but instead a sentient Instagram account, and I was unbelievably right. Yet, you go on giving shows to the twins, Harley and Marley, while leaving your two greatest intellectual properties, Lace and Chris Soules, to waste away. Point is, I can fix the Nick Viall-sized nuclear crater in your show.

“Why have a personality when you can have a bikini?”

Chris Soules is America’s true sweetheart. He has the brain of a labrador retriever (just voted America’s #1 dog breed), the face of a labrador retriever (America’s #1 dog breed), he only showers outside similar to a labrador retriever (America’s top dog!), and he loves nothing more than running around on farms licking girls on their faces (just like a labrador retriever (America’s favorite breed!!)). And since you won’t return my phone calls about The Barkchelorette, in which my dog Pumba finds a dog husband, Chris Soules 2: Arlington Boogaloo is the best we’re going to get.

Why do you want Pumba to die alone, ABC? Why do you hate her, ABC?

The plot of CS2: AB is basically just like Chris’ season of The Bachelor, except it fixes all of the flaws, like that Big & Rich concert in South Dakota. Also, fire whoever planned that nightmare date immediately. The show will take place ENTIRELY in Arlington, because attempting to plan three dates a week in a town whose entire economy is based on horse meat will be amazing. Each week, Chris Soules will have to resist eating the roses (because they’re so pretty), and if he does so, he will be rewarded with a firm high-five and a milkshake. This will make Mr. Soules very happy and in turn, America will be happy. Also, maybe some single women can be there, who knows.

America’s #1 Favorite Dog Breed!
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