Bachelor Recap: Letting Raven Finnish

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The title of this recap of the shortest ever episode of The Bachelor is “Letting Raven Finnish” because do you get it? That’s a sex thing and also they were in Finland and also Raven has never had an orgasm. It’s not Shakespeare, but I’m working with 10 minutes of Nick in a turtleneck and 8 minutes of Raven putting her ex-boyfriend’s broken dick on blast, so we get what we get and we don’t get upset.

Get it? GET IT?! Because Raven doesn’t.

The episode started out with Nick talking with Andi, a woman whose name is way closer to Audi than it is to any acceptable human female name. The conversation boiled down to: “Bang everybody and buy my book.” It was thrilling. Nick then had what I believe was the first rose ceremony of the season, at which he sent Corinne home. Sending Corinne home the week before Fantasy Suites would be like lugging a gun around base for 2 months and then tossing it right before you storm the beach. She was very upset and returned to her true love: sliced cucumbers and serious business. Within the hour some high-powered CEO was in a meeting as Corinne stormed back in. “I’m back from spraying whipped cream on my tits on national TV, who’s ready for a merger?”

Like a young Elon Musk.

After the rose ceremony, the remaining victims of Nick Viall were flown off to Finland, because apparently the final destination this season was chosen by spinning a globe and throwing a dart at it. If you asked the average person to name every country they could, Finland would get named somewhere around the same time as Burkina Faso. Finland seemed to be an iceberg inhabited solely by elk, but Nick saw nothing but opportunity. It was too cold for his usual Lillith Fair scarf/Livestrong bracelet/booty shorts outfit, so he threw on a turtleneck. Somewhere, a producer said, “90% of America hates you, Nick,” to which Nick replied, “Oh, I’ll get that other 10%,” before throwing on a turtleneck. And he nailed it.

Nick: “Most of the country hates me.
Turtleneck Nick: “Make them all hate you.”

The only fantasy suite date the show had time for, given that it was shorter than a Vine, was Raven. The quote of the evening was when Raven proclaimed, “I never imagined I’d be in Finland.” First of all, that’s because there’s no way a girl from Hoxie knew that Finland was a thing. Maps in Hoxie textbooks just show America and every other country is labeled “MEXICO.” Secondly, nobody imagines going to Finland. Even people from Norway and Sweden don’t imagine going to Finland. Last year they got to go to Thailand, but this year they stuck them in Not Norway.

Hoxie Public Schools’ Map of the World

The storyline of the Bachelor’s mini-episode revolved around Raven complaining that she’s never had an orgasm. As if putting a stiletto heel through her ex-boyfriend’s throat wasn’t enough, she also decided to announce to America that he had all the sexual prowess of an injured baby bird. So, naturally, Raven went in search of an orgasm with a man who has sexually under-performed so poorly twice that his girlfriend dumped him the next day. That’s happened twice on television, and now he’s middle-aged and wearing a turtleneck, so good luck. Looking for your first orgasm with Nick Viall should be about as successful as booking your first dentist appointment in Hoxie.

This looks like a guy who can’t even get off a bus.

And that’s it… that’s all there was to the episode of The Bachelor that was shorter than a Swiffer commercial. Nick put on a turtleneck and looked at some elk, Andi promoted her book, Corinne returned to the Tampa Stock Exchange, and Raven went looking for orgasms from a guy who dresses like a midwife. Also, Rachel is still there, because the producers have officially given up on this season. At some point they were editing together footage of Raven saying, “I ain’t never had a tummy firework,” next to pile of firewood and they were like, “Fuck it, announce the next Bachelorette, this season’s a wash.”

“My grits ain’t never been gravied.”
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