Bachelor Recap: You Are A White

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It’s official, ABC has outdone themselves with boredom. Even after a season of Ben H and Lauren B having all the chemistry and personality of two pieces of cardboard rubbed against one another, they’ve produced a more boring season of The Bachelor. Even after Jojo essentially spent an entire season creating an Instagram résumé  while being about as interested in the guys as she is in developing interests outside of bikinis, they’ve produced a more boring season of The Bachelor. Likely, this is the result of some insider competition among the producers, where one brilliant bastard said, “Sure, Jojo was awful, but what about Nick Viall… again, and somehow WORSE than before.” They said it couldn’t be done, but they’ve done it: Nick Viall in a Livestrong bracelet in 2017. It’s the worst thing on the planet.

God help us all.

This week was hometowns, or as they’re better known on The Bachelor, the “Mind If I Bang Your Daughter?” dates. The Bachelor is a set formula which every family knows will go from family week to the next week, in which the bachelor and his harem of failed actresses travel to some random bikini destination and bang on national television. And nobody comments about how this is weird, but at least with Corinne it’s less weird because her family already lives on a porn set. The first hometown was to Raven’s hometown, which I think was just filmed on the pre-drop section of Disney’s Splash Mountain. The only difference between Raven’s hometown and Splash Mountain is that the rabbit playing a jug on Splash Mountain isn’t a felon.

“Welcome to Hoxie.”

The date started with Raven and Nick “muddin'” which is country talk for, “We ain’t got no roads, so we pretend it’s on purpose.” Do you know what the rest of the country calls mudding? A natural disaster. Nick and Raven climb a grain silo, otherwise known as Hoxie City Hall, but they are stopped by a cop. The tension rises until the cop reveals that he’s Raven’s brother – then he spits out some tobacco and tells the sexy college city-kids going to that lake house for the weekend about a tale of some murderer, but the kids laugh him off and head to the lake anyway, with dire consequences.

“Why don’t you bring that pretty city-boy mouth down from that grain silo?”

Raven and Nick then went to dinner with Raven’s family, and surprisingly it didn’t involve Raven’s mom ringing a little triangle on the porch and calling for all the cattle/people/police officers to come home for dinner. It was perfectly acceptable, if not slightly reminiscent of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. If only Raven had introduced Nick to the enormous 7 foot brother wearing a skin mask that they keep locked in the basement, then maybe I could have stayed awake for this episode.

“When we’re done kissin’ we should fix this septic tank.”

The second date was to Rachel’s hometown, which is like watching a replay of a sports game when you already know the result. She’s the only likable contestant remaining and we know she loses, only adding to this thrilling season of Old Navy Mannequin Bangtown. Seriously, the final four girls are Rachel (the only normal, likable one), an actress, a lady-baby, and the aforementioned jug-playing rabbit. So knowing that Rachel loses makes this already unwatchable season even more unwatchable. Yay.

The spoilers at night are big and bright…

Rachel solidifies her place in America’s heart by taking Nick to a majority black church. If her season of The Bachelorette is just an endless succession of dates in which she takes awkward white guys from Wisconsin to black churches in the South, it might be the greatest television show ever. Nick looked like he was tightrope walking the entire time, whereas the church-goers had the same look that America has been giving Rachel since she stepped out of the limo: him? That guy right there? That’s who you’re falling for? The unemployed doll boy?

“Wait until Otis sees us! He loves us!”

After Nick sweat out his body weight at the church, Rachel told him that regrettably her father was unavailable due to a work commitment, which was code for no he fucking wasn’t. He was completely available, because he’s a federal judge and federal judges have jurisdictions. It is a position that literally requires him by law to be present in a restricted geographic area to perform his job. So her dad wasn’t working, he was instead trying to find the tallest building in Dallas to leap from after Googling “Nick Viall” and “how many bracelets can fit on one wrist?”

Hello darkness my old friend…

At dinner with Rachel’s family, amazingly when they discussed race with Nick he was awkward as hell about it. That’s strange coming from a man who can’t even talk about beach volleyball without grinning like a 6th grader giving his teacher an apple. Rachel’s brother-in-law, who is white, told Nick, “You are a white.” This was meant to distinguish him from prior Bachelor Ben H, who was “THE white.” I think what everyone was trying to get at was “How can a manchild who spends his entire budget on decorative scarves ever marry a successful, independent black woman?” And the answer is: AMERICA, RACHEL IS YOUR NEW BACHELORETTE!

“Peace out, Bracelet Boy!”

The third date was to finally go meet the star of the show: Raquel, the nanny who lives in a floating glass cage in the sky. Corinne, unsurprisingly, lives on a porn set. No reasonable human being lives with a family of four in an all-glass penthouse on the Florida waterfront. Everything was so tacky that it’s amazing the date wasn’t interrupted by a pizza man, or a washer repairman, or more likely just a straight up porn star, because this didn’t look like the kind of upscale porn shoot that bothers with things like pizza man plots.

Nick Viall in a fedora? That’s a war crime.

Corinne started the date by taking Nick shopping and dressing him like last season’s shiniest of stars, the sassy brassy Fabulous Robby. Corinne bought Nick an $800 pair of sweatpants, which amazed him because he hasn’t owned new clothes since he blew his entire paycheck on puka shell necklaces and women’s shorts. Watching at home, Fabulous Robby likely swished his wine and commented, “Sweatpants? Maybe for if I’m brunching in EAST Hollywood, BLEH,” before returning to having sex with the sexy sexiful woman he is with because he likes making the sex with ladies and their lady pieces. The shopping ended when Nick finally realized that he is nearly 40 and can’t afford to buy Hi-C, whereas Corinne thinks that a 24 year old spending $800 on sweatpants is totally normal. No red flags in that relationship.

“Hello? The year 2014? It’s me, $800 sweatpants calling, HELLOOOOOO”

Nick then met the family that has created Corinne and it all made total sense. Because do you know who lives on a porn set? Porn stars of all ages. It all finally clicked how Corinne can be a million-dollar businesswoman from South Florida. Gooooot it. Nick’s father was concerned that Nick couldn’t afford to keep up Corinne’s lifestyle, which is a good sign you’ve raised your daughter right. “But what if she can’t remain as shallow as I’ve allowed her to become?” he essentially asked. “What if she is forced into the indignity of $600 sweatpants? No man wishes that hell upon his daughter.”

“Nick, you’d better respect my daughter.”

Raquel, the star of the show for her cucumber slicing skills, was talked about less like a person and more like an indentured servant. She said she loved Corinne and wanted her to be happy, but what does Raquel want? Does she want to live in the glass pornbox in the sky slicing cucumber all day? All of the family members talked about how much they love Raquel, but all I wanted during that date was for Nick or one of the cameramen to lean in to Raquel and whisper, “But do you want to be here?” If any of those cameramen were true heroes, they would have smuggled Raquel out of the house in a duffel bag, but sadly there was no room as they were fighting for space with the other cameramen and fluffers that live in the house full time.

“All day long it is nothing but cucumbers and pizza deliveries…”

The final hometown in this endless slog of boredom and porn and muddin’ and borderline racism was to whatever factory spawned Vanessa. Vanessa, who it turns out is an actress, introduced Nick to her special needs students, or whatever extras played her special needs students. At least in the past when actresses have gone on The Bachelor they’ve had the self-respect to make an obviously fake career like “Waitress from Hollywood” or “Robby.” Vanessa’s true career makes so much sense now, because since day 1 the question has been: how is Vanessa so perfect? How can she be so beautiful, speak 3 languages, and work with special needs children? Turns out the same way that Indiana Jones can read any ancient language, or Superman can shoot lasers from his eyes: LYING ACTORS.

“Also, I know kung fu and my parents were killed by the Joker.”

Nick went to dinner with Vanessa’s family, played by Jon Voight and Goldie Hawn because what isn’t a lie about Vanessa. Vanessa’s sister, played by Vanessa in a Dr Evil/Austen Powers kinda thing, questioned that Nick hadn’t thought about the problems with a relationship with a Canadian. But guess what, Vanessa in a slightly different wig, Hollywood is in AMERICA and so is the dumpster behind Chris Harrison’s house where Nick Viall sleeps in the off-season. So there’s a plot hole, something you know a lot about, because you’re an actress. You can’t even speak 3 languages, because Italian isn’t even a real language, it’s just angrier Spanish. Lies.

The episode ended without a rose ceremony, because the producers are as disinterested in this show as the viewers. This is a gameshow, and they’ve just given up on rose ceremonies. It would be like if Jeopardy just kinda ended every episode in the middle of a question. These things have structure, Bachelor producers, Merv Griffin is rolling in his grave if he’s dead. Nick went to Brooklyn, which is like adding a little extra douche to the world’s strongest douche stew, where he was met in his hotel by Andi. I didn’t watch Andi’s season, so I’m going to just go off the fact that she had 25 guys and cut 23 other guys before Nick, so she sucks. Tune in next week to see Andi promote her book and Nick grin into his chin like a toddler telling a poop joke. This season blows.

Fuck you very much, ABC


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