I’m a benevolent man, so I’ll show you the mercy that ABC did not show its viewers and just give you a quick condensed recap of what happened Monday night so that you don’t have 2 hours of your life sucked out of you like that torture scene in The Princess Bride. CONDENSED RECAP: Nick cried a lot, Corinne was slutty, and Nick wore women’s shorts on boats. That’s the entirety of what happened in this episode. This season has become so insufferably boring and Nick Viall-y that they’ve stopped with rose ceremonies altogether and Nick now eliminates girls the same way an Applebees manager politely asks an intoxicated patron to exit endless appetizers, an experience with which I have no doubt Corinne is familiar. Nick just politely taps these women on the shoulder and whispers, “Go home.” And then he fake cries. What compelling television.
As any reader of these recaps going back to past seasons are aware, there is always one episode per season that is so boring it is like injecting Valium directly into your eyeballs (kinda like Danielle M). Last night was that episode, and as is now tradition on this website, we will attempt to slog through the recap while keeping the reader interested by sprinkling in tidbits about famous animals throughout history. Because nobody wants to read about Nick crying on a boat for 2 hours, and everybody wants to read about Mr. Magoo, a tea-sipping mongoose who was sentenced to the death penalty. So here goes, I promise we’ll get through this together. Deep breath.
The episode started with the girls going from St. Thomas to the Bahamas, which is about as exciting as going from Phoenix to Scottsdale. They’re practically the same goddamn place. The first date was a one-on-one with Danielle M, the physical embodiment of the viewers at this point because I’m not even certain she was awake for the entire date. She’s so goddamn wispy it’s like if a wind chime could talk. Nick wore shorts so tight that they make yoga shorts look like bellbottoms and they hung out on a boat. Nick then got so bored of her wispy ways that he kinda yawned and said, “Yeah, back to Wisconsin with ya, I guess.” It was thoroughly boring. But ya know what isn’t boring? Huberta the Hippo!
Huberta was a hippo in the 1920s, not a half-conscious Wisconsin nurse in the 2010s. Huberta became famous because she just walked around a whole bunch. Apparently people in the 1920s were easily entertained. Probably the best part about her story is that even though she was a national celebrity in South Africa, nobody realized she was a female until after she died. So, in summation, South Africa in the 1920s was so bored that they wrote endless news stories about a hippo named Hubert walking around, then it got shot, and then they were like, “That explains why Hubert didn’t have balls,” so they renamed her Huberta. And this was front page news. Not thrilling, but certainly more interesting than watching Danielle M’s eyes roll into the back of her head on a yacht.
The next date was a group date with a Russian, a serious business-woman and possessor of a vagina that has sold over 1 million copies, and the walking embodiment of a flyover state. They swam with sharks and the Russian got scared, so Nick comforted her. After hearing the Russian’s backstory, I feel very confident in saying that the sharks were probably more afraid of her than she was of them. I’m more scared of Kristina than sharks, because at least when a shark kills me it will feel emotion. The rose ultimately went to Raven after she told a story about how she almost went to law school. And by “almost went to law school” I assume she meant “definitely married her uncle.” It was very boring. But guess what wasn’t that boring? Oliver, a monkey that coked up idiots thought was a person.
During the 1980s there was a steady enough supply of cocaine that people actually thought Oliver the chimp was a human/chimp hybrid. Because people in the 80s were the dumbest animals to ever exist. Oliver walked around on his two feet without using his knuckles, and he had a weird looking face, so people with more cocaine than brain cells came to the natural conclusion that he was a person trapped in a monkey body. His owner believed that when Oliver turned 16 he suddenly wanted to bang her, so she gave him away. Turns out once science got involved it was just a creepy-looking chimpanzee. The jury is still out on whether he was trying to bang his owner, but my developing screenplay for The Chimp Pimp says yes, he absolutely was.
The next date was a one-on-one with Vanessa. Vanessa is a very accomplished human, but as Corinne correctly pointed out, she has absolutely no personality. And when you are being accurately critiqued by a woman whose vagina has sold as many singles as Ginuwine’s “Pony,“ then you know something’s wrong. Their date was the most boring Bachelor segment ever produced, which is no small accomplishment. I mean, this show had an entire season of Jojo, and I’m fully convinced at this point that Jojo was just a cardboard cut out in a bikini that a bunch of personal trainers dragged around South America for two months. Which is why it was a shame that Nick wasn’t on a date with Gua, the monkey who was raised like a person.
Not to be confused with a monkey that idiots actually thought was a human, Gua was an experiment in the 1930s in which two scientists who loved monkeys and hated their own child raised Gua alongside their child of the same age because what could go wrong? That doesn’t even sound like science, it sounds like two scientists who really want to murder their baby. It turns out that the monkey was actually smarter than the kid, and learned basic commands and how to use utensils faster than that stupid sub-ape baby. The experiment was cut short when the kid started to talk like a monkey because that’s exactly what happens when you raise a child like a monkey. So, turns out they were bad scientists and bad parents, and now they had to raise a monkey baby. It was cruel, but it was more interesting than watching some French Canadian float around Bimini with a guy wearing a mini-skirt.
The final one-on-one was with Rachel, who has been announced as the The Bachelorette already because ABC just doesn’t give a shit about this season anymore. I actually predicted that Rachel was so far out of Nick’s league that she would start her season of The Bachelorette while still actively on Nick’s season of The Bachelor. I’m not saying that the producers read these recaps and steal all of my brilliant ideas, I’m just saying that CHRIS SOULES 2: ARLINGTON BOOGALOO. PLEASE MAKE IT HAPPEN! CHRIS SOULES NEEDS TO FIND LOVE. Anyway, Rachel had a date that doesn’t matter because we know she loses. Rachel said she had never brought a white man home to meet her family, and Nick responded, “What about a very effeminate white child?” and then he cried into his booty shorts. It was a waste of everyone’s time, unlike a psychic dog who could predict the sex of your baby.
Jim the Wonder Dog, combined with the story of Gua, has convinced me that there was actually more cocaine in the 1930s than the 1980s. I get times were tough but Jesus Christ, people, raising monkey babies and thinking that a dog can speak every language on the planet is a bit much. Scientists remain unsure how Jim the Wonder Dog predicted the winner of the Kentucky Derby 7 times, or the Yankees World Series, or how he could understand every language on earth, or predict the sex of babies in the womb. But don’t worry, scientists who taught your children how to speak monkey, I have solved the riddle of how Jim the Wonder Dog did all those things: he fucking didn’t.
The only interesting part of the episode that requires no intervention by 1930s scientists bumping 20 rails and asking a dog about a horse race was the introduction of the Platinum Vagina. At long last, we got to see the context of Corinne’s very serious business woman phrase: “My vagine is platinum.” Turns out the context was exactly as slutty as it sounded, and Corinne was just lucky that her nanny wasn’t there to wash her mouth out with million dollar company soap.
Corinne, often portrayed as dumb and drunk due to all of her heavy drinking and the frequent dumb things she says, is actually a genius. She knows that Nick only has one weakness: being a huge piece of shit. So she attempted to bang Nick with her platinum vagine. Although it looked like it was about to work, five producers were banging on the door, whisper-screaming under the doorway, “We’ve worked so hard to try to lie to America about how you aren’t shitty anymore. Nick! We spent a whole season, come on!” So Nick, the guy who already banged a doula at a Playboy wedding, didn’t have sex with Corinne. To believe he did that of his own volition would require believing that he’s not the same Nick Viall who was so bored and unemployed that he flew to Ireland just to bang Kaitlyn. Or, ya know, the whole one night stand at a Playboy bunny’s wedding. So, not very believable.
Given that Nick is now apparently allergic to roses, he also chose to send the Russian home for no reason whatsoever. If I had to guess, it’s because he doesn’t want to do hometowns in a Russian orphanage gulag. “I would like you to meet my shift supervisor, she made sure that the looms did not eat my fingers.” Either that or he was determined to have as few attractive contestants left as possible, so that way he can pick nobody at the end and continue his career as man-Becca. Because Nick Viall, much like Nick Viall’s herpes, will never ever go away. Ever. God, this season is terrible.
The trailer for next week shows that Nick is getting a surprise visit from a woman. The only logical explanation is that it’s Lace, because as we’ve already noted, the producers of The Bachelor read these recaps religiously and all of my ideas are great. I’ve suggested bringing Lace back about 400 times, because she is the greatest contestant in the history of the show. She’s a great combination of Fatal Attraction and a much drunker version of Fatal Attraction. She’s the only thing that can save America from Nick. So, when it turns out to be Lace, and she announces the upcoming season of Chris Soules 2: Arlington Boogaloo, you can send your thank you letters to this website. Because Lace is the hero The Bachelor deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So she’ll drink, because she can take it. Because she’s not a hero. She’s a psycho. An unpredictable shitshow… a drunk knight.