Bachelor Recap: Bachstreet’s Bach

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Quick question: what dresses like a douche, dances like a douche, talks like a douche, and overstayed its welcome in America’s heart? The answer is Nick Viall. But also, The Backstreet Boys. So, naturally, the most recent episode of The Bachelor featured both, because if there is one talent these women all possess, it’s the ability to feign excitement over much older douchy guys in terrible outfits. Also,Corrinne (known better on this blog as Platinum Vagina Business Lady (PVBL for short)) transformed into slutty Carmen Sandiego. And the most overqualified woman on the show kissed Nick, causing her to projectile vomit, which is the proper physiological response.

“In the event of direct contact with Nick Viall, barf bags are located beneath your seat.”

Nick had to start this episode as he has started every episode so far, by desperately trying to convince the women and America that he isn’t a garbage person. As always, it was unconvincing. He explained that he had, in fact, slept with Liz, the girl he had just sent home. This means that in a house of 30 girls, by day 2 there was already one who he’d banged, and one who he’d publicly groped. Hence the need to plead his case of not-douchery. And hence its unconvincing manner.

“I’ve sent Liz home to get tested…”

PVBL, never one to be out-banged, decided that the only reasonable response to this move would be to dress up like slutty Carmen Sandiego and blast Nick with dairy products. Serious business women make such smart decisions because they are so smart. So, she put on a trench coat, and apparently nothing else, so she looked like an episode of Carmen Sandiego where the answer is always Reno. It was more like “Where In The Vegas Outskirts Is Carmen Sandiego?” She squirted whipped cream into Nick’s mouth and tried to bang him, and then she accomplished something that no other woman in history has accomplished. She didn’t bang Nick Viall.

It’s Atlantic City. Carmen Sandiego is in Atlantic City.

Then they finally got on with a rose ceremony. Now, let’s not pretend that these early rose ceremonies are memorable. A bunch of seasonal retail employees whose names you haven’t learned yet get sent back to Wichita and they cry, even though they’ve been at the house for about 45 minutes. So the only notable things about the rose ceremony were that Hailey apparently can’t dress herself and PVBL slept through the whole thing. Maybe if Hailey had a nanny, the nanny would have told her that she was not wearing a shirt. Hailey, in three short weeks, has established herself as a girl who is not talented at wearing underwear.That’s about the full extent of Hailey’s personality.

It was at that moment that Hailey realized she had put her dress on backwards. 

Nick seemed upset that PVBL slept through the rose ceremony, but she was likely exhausted from a long day of RUNNING A TRILLION DOLLAR COMPANY. These other women don’t understand the tiring effects of serious business womaning all day long, so they can’t judge. And while everyone was focused on the negatives of her sleeping through the rose ceremony, not one person saw the positive: that she tucked herself in without her nanny’s help. Imagine having to tuck yourself in nannyless after a full day of doing business like a serious lady – she is so brave.

Shhh. She’s dreaming of serious business.

The next morning, the girls were excited to meet The Backstreet Boys, still fresh off their 2001 tour. So not only did The Bachelor invite them on the show, their managers at Foot Locker also gave them the day off, which was nice. The group date was to a Backstreet Boys concert, because the producers hate these women.The ladies had to practice a dance routine with some guy dressed like a skinny Silent Bob as America slowly realized this wasn’t the group they liked. “I’m excited to see Lance Bass, Justin Timberlake, and Joey Fato… oh, wait. Dammit, this is the other one.”

Pictured (left to right): Not Justin Timberlake, Not Justin Timberlake, Not Justin Timberlake, Not Justin Timberlake, and Not Justin Timberlake,

The winner of the group date was determined by who The Backstreet Boys thought had the most chemistry with Nick, and who was the best dancer. Jasmine, a professional dancer, somehow didn’t win, but I’m not going to call The Backstreet Boys racist because they’ve been thinking they were black since 1998. Danielle L won the prize, and the prize was a very awkward slow dance in front of tens of people while The Backstreet Boys sang a slow song and ducked their payday loan lenders. So, in reality, the true winner of this competition was everyone who didn’t have to do that.

Just put a couple dollars in their guitar case and they’ll leave you alone.

After the date the women all sat down to get drunk, as is Bachelor tradition. PVBL took this opportunity to explain that she had a nanny, because she is a serious business lady after all. The highlight of this entire episode was the look on the Russian’s face as she spoke about how she, a grown woman, has a nanny. The Russian barely talks in this show, but her face basically said, “When I was growing up we ate rats and warmed ourselves by the village corpse bonfire, what is nanny? What is Boy in Back of Street?” It was priceless, and I think we can all agree that we need more commentary from the Russian on PBVL.

“I am dental hygenist so I can steal all your valuable teeth.”

The one-on-one date was with Vanessa, a girl who, like Rachel, is so far out of Nick’s league it’s offensive that they cast her. She’s a trilingual special needs teacher who looks like a model, and Nick Viall is Nick Viall. It’s not a stretch to think that Vanessa, aka Megan Draper, could do a little better than a professional reality show contestant who wears floral ties and gropes 24 year olds in group settings. Their date was to a zero gravity plane, because the producers thought if Nick Viall wasn’t enough to make her vomit, then surely rocketing her around the sky like a drunk kite should do it. And it worked.

Ugh, how could this monster ever find a man without reality television?

The date seemed to go well, and nobody took their tops off so clearly no serious business was attended to during the flight. Vanessa puked violently for most of the date, either because of the g-forces or because she’s a 10 and he was a 5 three years ago. As she vomited, she likely consoled herself that at least it wasn’t The Backstreet Boys date. Those girls definitely vomited, except for the Russian, because she is strong like ox.

Everyone knows that the most important part of space travel is yellow socks.

The final group date was with a bunch of Olympic track stars who I don’t know, because I’m a normal adult and I don’t have the energy to pretend to care about sports every 4 years that are so boring they only get televised every 4 years. It was a “Nick-cathalon” which usually would involve trying to get to a bracelet store, a salon for middle aged women, and the free clinic all within 24 hours. But this “Nick-cathalon” was different than Nick’s typical “Nick-cathalon” as the women competed to win Nick’s heart. And by win Nick’s heart, I mean he realized Astrid had a huge rack and she became an immediate front runner. Because Nick is great.

“So, track is all about boobs, right?”

The final race was for an engagement ring, with the winner getting to jump into a hot tub with Nick to make douche stew. Rachel won the race by about ten minutes, but accidentally knocked the ring over instead of picking it up, where it shattered like it was made of ancient porcelain. Astrid, jogging hours behind Rachel, picked up the biggest piece of the ring and this somehow made her the winner, because nobody has any idea how racing works and also, as mentioned, huge rack.

The weakest of the women tries her hand at javelin.

So, for those keeping count, last night both group dates were clearly won by black women (Jasmine and Rachel, respectively) and then the prize was promptly given to a busty white woman. “Fine, we’ll let more than one on the show, but we’re NOT LETTING THEM WIN, even when they win,” the producers clearly said in their compromise with ABC this season. Nick isn’t the kind of guy to let a thing like “who actually won” get between him and newly discovered enormous rack. Because Nick is the goddamn worst.

You can’t spell “track” without “rack.”

The show also had a “pool party” which is basically, in the words of the immortal Salt & Peppa, “how to become number one in a hot body show.” This was the perfect time for PVBL to shine, because if there is one hard rule on this show, it’s that the producers will cater to the craziest woman. If you’re the craziest, you can get whatever you ask for, so in this case, PVBL asked for a bouncy castle and they provided, because it’s like giving a chainsaw to a chimp. Who knows what it’ll do, but it’ll be great television. Vanessa, meanwhile, could ask the producers for a copy of her favorite Umberto Eco book in the native Italian, because she doesn’t like the translated edition, and they’d just be like “Fuck off, nerd, we have to get that teenage nympho a bouncy castle.”

“Bang me like a scene from a direct-to-video Van Wilder sequel.”

So Nick and PVBL made out on a bouncy castle, which honestly is just a waste of a bouncy castle. Seriously, sex is great and all, but how often do you get the chance to hang out in a bouncy castle? When people are having sex, all they’re really doing is wasting time they could be spending in a bouncy castle. Also, this chick has a nanny, carries around cans of whipped cream, and loves bouncy castles. Are we sure she’s 24 and not between 2 and 4? Is she about to ask Nick to bring wine coolers and condoms to a date? Is Chris Hansen the new Chris Harrison? Is that platinum vagina even of legal age? ARE THE REIGNS TO A MULTI TRILLION DOLLAR SERIOUS BUSINESS EMPIRE IN THE HANDS OF A TODDLER?!?!?!?!?!?

The heavy favorites going forward are Rachel and Vanessa, and by favorites, I mean favorites for a successful and meaningful life devoid of Nick Viall. What are those two women doing on this show? It’s like watching swans fight over garbage with raccoons. And if Rachel wins the final rose, the producers will just slap it out of her hand and go, “Nope, nah, give it to someone named Lauren.” The actual winner will be whichever 29 women don’t end up engaged to Nick Viall.

“Am I employaaaabllllee?” “Nooooooo”
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