Bachelor Recap: One If By Land, Two If By Pool

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If you want to watch a man in his late thirties grope a woman in her early 20s, you can either tune into I.D. at 2 AM for documentaries about serial killers, or you can turn on ABC’s primetime programming on The Bachelor: Shitty Nick Edition. This episode started out with the first group date, which was to a wedding photo shoot, which is either something these women will never do, or have already done 3 times by the age of 25. Anyhow, the ladies all headed to a pool where they were met by “Franco,” who was basically just Agador Spartacus (that’s a reference to The Birdcage, for any of my readers that don’t watch their movies on VHS).

Agador Spartacus, offensive 90s gay stereotype

Prior to last night’s episode, Nick had only been able to participate in wedding photo shoots by crying outside a security fence nearby. But last night Nick finally got to take part in a wedding photo shoot date, for which he chose a bunch of women (we’re not invested enough at this point to learn names), but most notably shark-dolphin and the Platinum Vagina Business Lady with a Nanny (PVBL for short). It’s weird that “Platinum Vagina Business Lady with a Nanny” isn’t some weird nickname, it’s how she actually describes herself. It’s on her business cards. Her VERY SERIOUS business cards, for she is a serious business woman who can’t miss an opportunity to take her top off in public, like a serious business woman.

Corinne, quoting Ruth Bader Ginsburg

The wedding photo shoot was a prime opportunity for PVBL because she’s already been planning her wedding with Nick since the day her nanny unbuckled her from the limo. Her theme was “beach wedding” which she took to mean “meth head beach wedding in Daytona Beach” because she immediately took off her top and had Nick grab her boobs. Now, luckily, Nick is a reformed man and isn’t the creepy old horndog we saw on Kaitlyn and Andi’s season, because he didn’t give her a rose just for letting him grope her in public. Oh, wait, nope, of course he did, because he’s Nick. “I’m looking for a deep connection with a serious woman,” Nick said, sincerely and reformed and no longer shitty, “like maybe a 24 year old girl who lets me get to second base in front of 20 other people and a camera crew.”

“Sweet rack, I went to high school with your dad.”

After winning a rose in the same way that a stripper gets a 5 instead of a single, the PVBL decided to then interrupt the other girls later that night when they spoke to Nick. The girls were very angry, because what kind of person acts so slutty, gets rewarded for it, and then interrupts everyone else’s time with the Bachelor? Oh yeah, Nick Viall, who did EXACTLY THE SAME THING when he showed up in Ireland just to bang Kaitlyn and annoy that guy who looks like Alf. So, obviously, Nick was impressed. “I like how she doesn’t respect herself OR other people, we have that in common,” he no doubt mused.

Poor Alf.

The one-on-one date was with Danielle, and whichever Bachelor producer touches himself to images of helicopters finally got to plan a date. Seriously, this show loves helicopters. Ben H’s season looked like the Gulf War. So, by episode 2, we of course had to have a helicopter date because this show plans dates like they’re evacuating Saigon. Danielle had a wonderful time on her date, revealing a heartbreaking story about a former engagement that broke up. “My hands smell like serious business lady,” Nick said in response. She got a rose.

This season, on The Bachelor…

The last group date was to the Museum of Broken Relationships, which is also the nickname for the corner in Nick’s garage where he goes to cry. It’s actually a real place, and having Nick there would be like Babe Ruth visiting the Baseball Hall of Fame, or PVBL visiting the Serious Business Lady Hall of Fame. As the best in the business, Nick and the ladies performed staged break-ups. Of course, since Nick is very smart, he invited Liz, who he’s already slept with, on this date. Because if there’s anyone who won’t be an unpredictable nightmare, it’s a professional “doula” that you banged in the hallway at a Playboy bunny’s wedding. She’s probably very sane.

“Here’s a list of your pets that I’ve murdered…”

Turns out she wasn’t sane, strangely enough, and she took the opportunity to put Nick on blast for being Nick. He was very upset, because he and the producers had spent the entirety of the first two episodes trying to convince America that Nick Viall isn’t Nick Viall. So, naturally, he did the classy thing and sent her home immediately. He wasn’t going to have her make a mockery of him on the show where he gropes 24 year olds in a pool. HE’S THERE FOR LOVE.

I don’t think you’re taking this show seriously, Liz.

The preview for the upcoming episode seems to involve all of the women finding out that Nick has already slept with one of the contestants and becoming very upset. As in Nick, the guy they just watched the day before get to second base with a girl directly in front of them. As in Nick, the guy who literally snuck onto the set of Kaitlyn’s season and banged her. It’s shocking that he would sleep with an unstable doula at a Playboy wedding. Somehow these women are shocked that Nick is a douche, despite him being essentially a police sketch of a generic douche. “Well, officer, I imagine he’d dress ten years below his age, wear about 50 bracelets, and have the smirk of a toddler that just pooped in his lunch box. Yes, that’s him!”

“That’s him, officer! The nearly 40-year old with the plunging v-neck!”


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  1. Lynda
    January 17, 2017

    I’ve just found your blog and I have never laughed out loud so often reading anything. I actually went back and read every season from the beginning. I read a lot of Bachelor blogs and you are my new favorite! Please don’t stop! I am going to recommend your blog to all my fellow Bachelor fans.

  2. Patrick
    January 18, 2017

    My smile is as wide as Olivia’s. Thanks for the love.

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