Last night’s premiere of The Bachelor had all of the dolphin fetishism we had previously predicted. That’s a statement that I actually just had to write. As usual, the season premiere of The Bachelor was equal parts amazing and forgettable, as 200 women named Jasmine in red dresses showed up to the same house, as did a dolphin fetishist dressed like a shark. Because nothing shows a more serious approach to finding love than an open bar for 200 Jasmines and a shark dolphin.
The first 15 minutes of the show involved ABC desperately trying to convince the audience that Nick Viall isn’t a piece of shit, which isn’t something you have to do unless that person is a real piece of shit. The concept was that Nick is a “changed man” who has matured, as was attested to by former Bachelor Chris Soules, who is a Labrador puppy turned into human form by a witch, so he’s a reliable source. After their attempt to win the audience over that Nick isn’t a piece of shit, they then sent him off to a mansion so that this 36 year old man (meaning he was born in 1980) could attempt to have sex with 23 year old women (meaning they were born in 1994) on camera. Because he’s totally not a piece of shit.
Some of the highlights of the daddy issue parade that stomped through the mansion doors included Corinne describing herself as a “serious business woman” only seconds after video footage of her nanny feeding her sliced cucumber. Yes, you read that right, not maid – nanny. “I’m a very serious business woman,” isn’t something that comes off as believable when a Guatemalan woman is cutting the crust off your PB&J as you say it. Also, her plan as it seems in the season preview is to just bang Nick as soon as possible, which is exactly what Nick would do, and has done, on this show. Because he’s not at all a piece of shit.
Another highlight was Hailey, who started with the line, “What does a woman wearing underwear say? I don’t know,” because she’s classy. I heard Kate Middleton used the same line the first time she met Prince Charles. While riding in the limo she was probably debating between the “I’ve got no panties” line or quoting Robert Frost, and she just made the game time decision to go with the super slutty one. She’s a 23 year old “photographer” (sorry I couldn’t figure out how to make the quotations sufficiently enormous) who was three at the same time Nick got his driver’s license. Nothing gross to see here, folks.
Liz was another standout, and by standout, I mean lay down, and by lay down, I mean she’s already banged Nick. Nick (as you recall, totally not a piece of shit) didn’t recognize her when she got out of the limo and introduced herself. As in, he’s literally been inside this person, and had no idea who she was less than a year later… because he’s not a piece of shit at all. Liz was very coy, saying that she “pleads the 5th” when asked what happened with Nick, but about five minutes later she just bluntly went, “Yeah, we had sex” because this season is apparently picking up any contestant eliminated from Rock of Love.
Of course, Alexis, the greatest contestant since “rape tree Ryan,” wore a very obvious shark costume and then went around calling herself a dolphin all night. She didn’t even take off the dolphin costume for the rose ceremony, and she swam in the pool wearing it. These are the people this show needs, not successful lawyers in their thirties with their lives in order – it needs women who can’t tell the difference between sharks and dolphins squeaking around the house in costumes. Thank you, ABC. Thank you.
The best line of the night, without any doubt, was when Nick was speaking with Danielle M, a neonatal nurse who is actually within a half-decade of Nick’s age. Danielle explained that she works with intensive care newborns, to which Nick replied, “So do you work in a hospital?” No, Nick, she works out of a neonatal food truck. It was at that moment that Danielle M realized that she was competing with a shark dolphin and a panty-less 23 year old “photographer” for the love of a man who thinks that intensive neonatal care might be done in a parking lot. And at that moment she knew she’d die alone.
Other various highlights included, Nick making out with two women on the first night (because he’s not a piece of shit), Raven having an accent so redneck that it makes Whitney from Chris Soules’ season sound like Dame Judy Dench by comparison, Nick promising everyone that he would “give America a happy ending” (because he’s not a piece of shit), Chris Soules giving advice on how to be The Bachelor despite his utter failure at being The Bachelor, and someone going through the elaborate process of renting a camel just to make a “hump” joke. Because humps are a camel thing AND a sex thing. DO YOU GET IT? That was 2 grand well spent.
The heavy favorites after last night seem to be: Rachel, the aforementioned attractive, intelligent 31 year old trial attorney, who is so far out of Nick’s league that she might actually eliminate Nick from this season. Also, Vanessa, a cleavagey French Canadian, so we’ll just be referring to her as Megan Draper for convenience sake from here on out. And finally, Corinne, because Corinne is super slutty and lies about being employed – she’s like a female Nick Viall. Also, Nick was smart enough to keep around the girl he already hump-and-dumped 9 months ago, because that won’t blow up in his face at all. He’s smart. And not a piece of shit.