Novel #2 Coming In 2017

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It seems that many people have been upset about how 2016 played out, and my guess is that it’s mostly because I didn’t release a novel. I can’t imagine any other reason. But have no fear, because 2017 promises to be the best year since 2012, because my sophomore novel is scheduled for release in the spring. That’s right, all will be fixed by yet another novel expertly blending action, adventure, intrigue, and dick jokes. I will heal this broken country with my dick jokes. You are all welcome.

And when there was only one set of footprints… it was then that Harambe carried you.

By means of a quick preview, the next novel is a take on pulpy dime store novels of yesteryear. Sure, The Kite Runner is nice and all, but sometimes people just want a story with hitmen and witchcraft and skulls and poorly constructed sentences hobbled together by a guy who reviews The Bachelor in his spare time. Also I’m too dumb to write, or read, a book like The Kite Runner, so in 2017 you get Shadows on the Bayou by Patrick Malloy. There’s not one single kite in the whole book. Not one. And guess how many Bachelor reviews Khaled Hosseini has written? Not one. So, what I’m saying is, I 100% guarantee that my book will be better than The Kite Runner.

Also, not ONE dick joke. Just sayin. Overrated. 

The basic preview plot is that a retired hit man is sent on one last mission to New Orleans where he soon finds himself entwined in a spooky Voodoo underworld. It’s like if Indiana Jones killed people for money. So, ya know, exactly like Indiana Jones. It’s got everything an over-the-top pulpy urban fantasy in New Orleans should have, like witch doctors, snakes, spiders, curses, spells, alligators, and people who dress like alligators. Because nobody wants a story about the rejuvenation of the New Orleans central business district; people want a story about a lady with a snake in an abandoned swamp mansion doing witchcraft. People don’t want beautiful prose establishing complex characters in a fully fleshed out world – they want spooky skeletons!

Givin’ the people what they want.

So, all six of my fans, get very excited. My glorious return to the world of literature approaches, and already the spinning can be heard from the graves of my English teachers. At least the ones who are dead, I haven’t really been keeping track, but statistically there’s probably a few. Anyway, if you like this blog, liked my last book, or just like spooky stories about swamp mansions and curses and dick jokes, be sure to keep an eye out. God knows I’ll be shelling that thing out like a carnie whore between Bachelor reviews and keeping up with whatever Grand Emperor Trump does as he slowly turns America into a Six Flags with a UN seat. Keep reading, my friends and stay spooky.

“Would you like to bone? Get it? Becuse I’m a skeleton and that’s a sex thing as well.” – me, masterful novelist, hard at work
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