The Trump Protests: A Solution

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As we all learned in school at a very young age, the American government is run not as a democracy, but rather entirely on Change.org petitions. Even the most basic fifth grader knows that Change.org petitions are the fuel that power this great nation, and most important governmental functions are accomplished via their powerful reign. We actually entered World War II based on a Change.org petition. However, the recent elections have openly spat on the hallowed ground of Change.org. Despite the petition, Trump remains president-elect, so it was time for Americans to fall back on their second-most effective form of government: smashing strangers’ cars.

"Welp, we got a million signatures, so looks like we're heading to Germany."
“Welp, we got a million signatures, so looks like we’re heading to Germany.”

Yes, luckily America is a nation of checks and balances, and we have a backup for such dire times as when Change.org fails, and that involves smashing cars, starting fires, and throwing things at cops. Because it is well known that most protests and riots end with the US government saying, “Fine, you’ve smashed enough 7-11 windows, we’ll do what you want.” What a beautiful system we have. And yet, no matter how many clever signs people paint using Trump’s name as a verb, he STILL remains president-elect. They even protested in Canada, which would be like if your neighbor randomly called your cable provider to fight your bill. And yet, President Trump remains. This is a time of MADNESS.

We did it! Bernie Sanders is President now!
We did it! Gary Johnson is President now!

So, as a scholar and gentleman to whom the world looks for both guidance and commentary on episodes of The Bachelorette, I have found a solution. Every four years, we should have candidates declare their intention to run for President. We’ll make some arbitrary rules about qualifications for these people like their age, and also maybe their place of birth, and also maybe their favorite Mad Men episode. Who knows, I’m brainstorming, I just don’t want a candidate whose favorite episode is any one other than the one where the whole office does meth.

Show me your birth certificate AND your Netflix history.
Show me your birth certificate AND your Netflix history.

Once we have those candidates, we’ll pick the nation’s favorite two (or, let the nation pick one and let Debbie Wasserman Schultz pick the other). Then we’ll all vote, and you can also choose not to vote, or you can even choose to vote for someone like Jill Stein if you want to waste the gas driving to your polling station to do it. Then we’ll all calculate the votes by state and… alright, the joke’s wearing thin and was never that clever to begin with, and plus I really want to go watch that Mad Men episode with all the meth, so let’s get to the point. These protests are stupid. Let’s all just make some fresh Joe Biden memes and stock up on apocalypse meat.

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