You like that misleading and unnecessarily contrarian title? It’s called clickbait, and it’s a little trick we saavy internet millionaires use to trick you into reading a three paragraph opinion piece about Bob Dylan’s Christmas album. That’s the full substance of this article, and you deserve that warning, because I want to write about something other than Donald Trump and there is literally nothing else happening in the world. So, here’s that.
Bob Dylan recently won a Nobel prize in literature. “But Bob Dylan writes songs, not books!” you say, your head exploding, as those smug bastards at the Swedish Academy cross their arms and say, “Aren’t we just so edgy.” But not really, because it makes sense since his songs are usually 9 minutes of rambling analogies, which isn’t that different than an audio book. Sure, Bob Dylan may have written some good songs, but there are two things that the Swedish Academy clearly didn’t take into account: 1) Bob Dylan had zero songs featured on the Armageddon soundtrack, and more importantly, 2) his Christmas album Christmas in the Heart.
If you’re imagining that a Bob Dylan Christmas album sounds like a terrible idea, then clearly you’re somebody familiar with Christmas songs and Bob Dylan’s weeping ferret voice. If you’ve never heard a guy who sounds like a backed-up vacuum cleaner sing Little Drummer Boy, then congratulations, your ears haven’t aged nearly as much as mine have. He doesn’t even have any original songs, like “Hurricane Christmas” which would have been my first suggestion. Instead, it’s strictly covers, because Bob Dylan wanted you to know how little effort he put into this album. He might as well have called it “I’d Like Some Money Please, Also Maybe Snow Or Something.” I mean, just listen to his cover of “Must Be Santa” which sounds like the Pogues kidnapped Gary Busey and made him sing the ransom note. That song is the real war on Christmas.
Usually it would be unfair to fault someone’s otherwise amazing career for one mistake, but when that mistake involves a cover of The First Noel that sounds like a haunted music box, it should bar them from getting a Nobel prize. It would be like if Gabriel Garcia Marquez had followed up Love In The Time of Cholera with Fifty Shades of Grey. He probably wouldn’t have a Nobel prize either, and we’d all understand why, because we’d hate him as much as we hate versions of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas that are so scary they would make Jesus not want to celebrate his own birthday. So, Swedish Academy, you meant well, but you clearly forgot to listen to Winter Wonderland as performed by a rock tumbler. Please revise this decision and adjust accordingly to give the award a musician from the Armageddon soundtrack, or maybe just award the whole album, as it remains America’s finest artistic achievement.