The Bachelor: America’s Least Eligible Bracelor

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Get it? Bracelor? Because Nick V loves bracelets like a pre-teen at a Pac Sun clearance sale in 2002. Oh man, he’s just the worst. So it would seem that despite my arduous letter campaign to ABC for this season of The Bachelor to be “Chris Soules 2: Arlington Boogaloo,” the new bachelor on this upcoming season will be the Sharknado 4 of Bachelors: Nick Viall. You may remember Nick Viall as the guy that Andi couldn’t bring herself to love, or the guy that Kaitlyn couldn’t love, or the guy that America couldn’t love. Or maybe you just remember him as the guy that dresses like your vegan aunt. Oh, ABC, what a great choice you’ve made.

Pictured: 1 unlovable man, 400 unnecessary bracelets
Pictured: one unlovable man, four thousand unnecessary bracelets

It isn’t as though ABC was out of choices before they flipped the self-destruct flip on this show called “THE NICK V OPTION.” They could have had yet another season of The Chadchelor, in which the audience could delight at the delicate balance between lunch meat and steroid-induced violence. Or maybe Wells, the world’s funniest 9 year old. Or Luke, a man who is clearly a well-dressed horse. Or Chase, because who wouldn’t love a bachelor with the IQ of a jar of peanut butter. I mean, that’s the whole concept of “Chris Soules 2: Arlington Boogaloo.” THERE’S STILL TIME, ABC.

THERE'S STILL TIME
THERE’S STILL TIME!!!!

But alas, The Bachelor seems to be on a one-way train to bracelet town. Choo, choo, get your artisan scarves ready. Try your best to be excited about a guy who lost a season to Shawn B, a guy that looks like Alf and talks like Sloth. I hope they warn the poor girls before they roll up in a limo to Sloppy Seconds Mansion. The only plus side is that I think Nick Viall already lives at the Bachelor Mansion, or, in the very least, is Chris Harrison’s roommate. It’s not like he does anything else at this point. He’s the closest thing The Bachelor has to Home Improvement’s Wilson character. He’s always there, might as well give him his own season.

"Hydi-ho, Ben Higgins!"
“Hydi-ho, Ben Higgins!”
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