The Bachelorette Recap: Let’s Discuss Famous Animals

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Goddammit, the Argentina episode of The Bachelorette was some of the most boring television ever made. It was so boring that at one point Jojo just said, “Meh, Wells, I’m bored of you, go home.” The Bachelor/Bachelorette each season always hits that one episode where literally nothing happens and watching two hours of people talk about “the right reasons” for the 1,000th time starts to feel like snorting Ambien during an NPR marathon.This was that episode. So little happened in The Bachelorette’s Argentina episode that there is nothing to joke about, laugh about, cry about, or even mock. And if you can’t mock the talking Instagram account that is Jojo and her gaggle of buffoony quarter-life crises that follow her around South America, then there is clearly nothing happening.

"Let's hope I find a personality before I turn 30."
“Let’s hope I find a personality before I turn 30.”

So, as shall now be tradition, when The Bachelor/Bachelorette reaches this pinnacle of boredom as it does once per season, this blog will recap the episode, but mostly focus on adorable famous animals from history. This way, it will be bearable to read, like the last time when an episode on Kaitlyn’s season was so boring that we focused primarily on how everyone in Japan wanted to bang a gorilla, rather than focus on Cupcake considering suicide on the Cliffs of Moher. Welcome to The Borechelorette: Famous Animals Edition 2.0.

Pictured: a Japanese gorilla that people wanted to bang.
Pictured: a sexy Japanese gorilla that people wanted to bang.

This week the Bachelorette traveled to Argentina, best known for a Madonna movie and harboring Nazis. It’s a real toss up for which is worse. When in Argentina, Wells realizes that he’s on a game show and has yet to meet Jojo. It’s incredibly boring, so let’s get started on a famous animal. Cher Ami was basically pigeon rambo. During World War I, Cher Ami was a carrier pigeon for the Allies, trained by American pigeoneers, which is assumedly a group of very strange people. This badass flying rat delivered a message that saved 200 men, and was shot and blinded on its mission. Most likely, upon returning to the base, Cher Ami slammed a shot of bourbon, lit a cigar, and patronized the nearest whorehouse, because Cher Ami was a monster. They even gave Cher a peg leg. What a surly goddamn pigeon. Anyway, that’s way more interesting than a 50 pound adult named Wells and his stupid feelings.

Pictured: either Wells or the pigeon, it's hard to tell
Pictured: either Wells or the pigeon, it’s hard to tell.

Wells and Jojo went on a date to watch people bang in an inflatable pool hung over their head, because South America. Jojo and Wells eventually kissed amidst this enormous inflatable pool orgy, but Jojo said, “Meh,” and Wells went back to his job as a third grader. It was boring, but do you know what isn’t? A tortoise named Jonathan who needs to cut the shit and die already. First of all, who names a tortoise Jonathan? That’s bonkers. Secondly, Jonathan is believed to have been born in 1832 and died… NEVER. Because Jonathan is a god. That’s right, Jonathan is currently around 184 years old. Either that, or all tortoises look the same and people are idiots. If I had to guess, this sounds more like people have spent two centuries throwing lettuce at a rock and calling it “Jonathan the Tortoise” but it’s still more interesting than this episode of The Bachelorette.

A picture that is "believed to be" Jonathan. Or it could be, ya know, any other tortoise who has ever lived.
A picture that is “believed to be” Jonathan. Or it could be, ya know, any other tortoise who has ever lived.

The group date is next, and the producers are so lazy at this point that they just had them play some kids in soccer in some Argentinean alleyway. That’s the date these people planned. “I don’t know, there’s some kids over there with a ball, go kick it or something.” James Taylor laments over being a hurdy-gurdy doofus, and it was so boring that thank God the internet saved me by teaching me about Mr. Magoo, a mongoose who received the death penalty. His pastimes included killing cobras and sipping tea, because Mr. Magoo was a gentleman and a scholar and a mongoose. But since everyone in the 60s was high as balls, Mr. Magoo was condemned to death before being pardoned by the Secretary of the Interior. So if you’ve ever wondered what the hell the Secretary of the Interior does – he handles mongoose law. But he would never pardon James Taylor’s incessant whining about his own unattractiveness.

Mr Magoo has no time for your shit, James Taylor.
Mr Magoo has no time for your shit, James Taylor.

Ugh, we’re almost through this snoozefest, stick with me, there will be more animals. The last date was a two on one with Derek and Chase also known as Who and The Fuck Cares. The guys and Jojo (who has no interest on being on this show at this point) do some tango dancing before Derek gets sent home to cry in the back of a Uhaul van for a few hours. Then Chase and Jojo danced to “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” because of course they did, this show is produced by idiots. It was super boring, unlike Unsinkable Sam, a cat and also a likely terrorist. Sam was a cat on the Bismark in World War II, which blew up. Sam survived, was transferred to another ship, and that also promptly exploded. Not to worry, because then Sam went to a THIRD ship, which of course, also exploded. But Sam survived, because he is the angel of death. Maybe someone should look into the fact that every ship this cat touches explodes. RIP Unsinkable Sam, Exploder of Ships.

My magnificent Photoshop skills at work.
My magnificent Photoshop skills at work.

Finally, at the end of the most boring episode of television in history, some drama occurs as Jojo prepares for the rose ceremony. Not to worry, just when you thought something is going to happen, she just keeps everyone, because that’s apparently a thing you can do. Just break the rules, because this show has lost all semblance of structure. So, quite literally, nothing happened because Alex is so short he can stick around for free, because he is the carry-on bag of men.I’m so sorry that you had to watch this episode and read this recap, but I hope the stories of esteemed animals from history kept you awake. God knows that nefarious bomb-making cats and unkillable tortoises are more entertaining than Chase and Derek dancing with a girl that was too boring for Ben Higgins, the most boring man on earth. This is why they should have made Lace the Bachelorette, because at least stabbings make for good television.

Love of my life.
Love of my life.
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