Bachelorette Recap: A Tale of Two Chads

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It was the best of Chads, it was the worst of Chads, it was the age of protein. As with all episodes of The Chadchelorette, the star was not the spordically-present Jojo, but instead various Chads. Chad, having already been eliminated, came back for revenge – TULSA STYLE. Later, while the men had their haircut by Kevin Federline’s body double, news broke of Jojo’s first Chad-love, and his shocking revelation. It was truly a Chadchelorette for the ages.

Remember that time Chad ate an entire football? I miss him so much.
Remember that time Chad ate an entire football? I miss him already..

The episode began with the men celebrating the elimination of Chad, who clearly did not follow Canadian mannequin-man’s sage advice to be a little less Hitlery. They scattered his protein powder, foolishly not realizing that Chads are attracted to the scent of protein powder and can track it for miles, like sharks with blood or Nick Viall with insecure women. The Chad followed the scent of protein powder back to the Bachelorette’s luxurious motel in the Pittsburgh suburbs.

The men perform a ceremony to summon a Chad.
The men perform a ceremony to summon a Chad.

When Chad arrived, the men were nervous. Their hero, Alex, was not home from the date yet, likely because he was sleeping in a shoebox, so Jordan took the lead. “I didn’t get picked 700th in the CFL draft because I back down,” he surely thought. The confrontation ended without violence after all of the testosterone was ejected from the room when Evan meekly requested money to replace his plunging v-neck. After Evan squeaked out, “I hope you have your wallet because you owe me a child’s medium Vineyard Vines shirt” with all the attitude of a toddler on the safe side of a tiger enclosure at the zoo, all of the manliness exited the room. And so did Chad. And with him, so did our hearts.

RIP Chad 2016-2016. Gone but not brogotten
RIP Chad 2016-2016. Gone but not brogotten

But not to worry, because Jojo attracts Chads like a Hollister Black Friday sale. A few forgettable guys were eliminated and the troupe of giant man-babies left the beauty of some obscure Pennsylvania coal mine for what Jojo called, “Where South America’s elite goes to play” which clearly means Uruguay. I mean, that’s obvious – everyone refers to Uruguay that way. When I think of elite South Americans, I immediately think of Uruguay. Just kidding, nobody thinks of Uruguay ever. Not even people in Uruguay, who probably assume they live in Brazil. And they ended up going to a part of Uruguay that didn’t seem that nice – Jojo had a whole scene with a stray dog on a beach. Surely the producers that just shot a week straight at a town full of bears on the Pennsylvania/West Virginia border wouldn’t spare any expense in their accommodation.

Uruguay has the world's laziest flag.
Fun Fact: The flag of Uruguay features the Teletubbies sun-baby.

With Chad gone, the show quickly went back to what it was always destined to be: a woman who absolutely doesn’t want to be there and the weirdest men in America touring budget vacation destinations with helicopters. Welcome back to Jojo’s season of “The Bachelorette” or as Jojo calls it, “Yeah, whatever, look at my blue car.” Seriously, she approaches this season with all the zeal of an Applebee’s hostess. She’s very sweet and polite, but you can tell she’s only there by obligation. As it turns out, there may be a reason that Jojo’s passion this season is on par with the cheers from a distracted step-mom at a 5 year old’s soccer game: because she loves another. Another CHAD.

"I get to visit Uruguay with Evan... yay."
“I get to visit Uruguay with Evan… yay.”

The men “discovered” (see: were handed by the producers) a magazine featuring a story on Jojo’s past love, not surprisingly named Chad. This particular Chad had spilled the beans to a gossip magazine that Jojo left him to go on The Bachelorette for fame, because what woman doesn’t thirst for Chris Soules levels of stardom. “I love you, Chad, but this is my opportunity to possibly be an extra in a McDonald’s commercial,” she probably said as she left Chad clutching his Puma visor to his broken protein-filled heart. The guys all heard this news while getting haircuts from Vinny, the jackalope with the Caesar haircut in 2016. That’s the bravest thing I’ve ever seen on The Bachelorette. Later in the episode Robby jumped off a cliff, but that’s not half as brave as letting LFO’s tour manager cut your hair.

Letting this guy cut your hair is like letting Alex teach you how to dunk.
Letting this guy cut your hair is like letting Alex teach you how to dunk.

Jojo was on a date with Jordan, also known by both America and his family as “Not Aaron Rodgers.” She seems to like Jordan, probably because she figures that Olivia Munn can’t live forever. But the producers fed more drama to the beast that is The Chadchelorette, because Jojo learned that Jordan is a cheater. Jojo confronted Jordan, asking if he was a cheater, and he immediately chugged his entire glass of water before giving the least confident “No” on the planet. It was even less confident than Evan’s previous sniveley “Buy me a t-shirt, Mr. Chad?” 

"Cheat? What? No, umm, what? Football and stuff and cheat? No, what?"
“Cheat? What? No, umm, what? Football and stuff and cheat? No, what, who told you… cheat?”

Jordan explained that back during his football career there were a lot of girls, which I imagine means that a lot of women came into the restaurant he was serving at, because at no point was he ever a professional football player. “Yeah, there were a lot of ladies asking if I knew any real football players, it was a real minefield of temptation and mediocrity.” Ultimately, Jojo didn’t care if Jordan cheats or not, because Jojo doesn’t care about this show. “This is a lovely date,” she said with all the passion of an overworked airline stewardess, “and you are lovely.” That woman is about as invested in this show as most people are in whatever daytime talk show is playing in a dentist’s lobby.

"These guys are fucking awful."
“If I have to pretend to care about one more guy’s dead relatives…”

Eventually Jojo learns of Old Chad’s gossip and she does one of the worst fake cries in television history. “This might ruin my relationship with… Jerry? Is there a Jerry maybe?”  The guys all believe that Jojo is truly there to find love, and then Robby, the world’s prettiest man, goes on a date where he jumps off a cliff. If anything, this season is as much about trying to put Jojo in a bikini as it is about Chads. She has managed to get into a bikini in just about every “date” possible. Even the dog sledding date she ended up in a bikini. IN THE SNOW. Porn writers couldn’t manage to so creatively get a woman to undress in every single possible situation. I’m excited for the date when they go to Arlington Cemetery and she says, “We must honor their sacrifice and … ooh, a hot tub!”

Jojo attends a funeral.
Jojo attends a funeral.

At long last, Evan was finally eliminated. The number of cringe-induced seizures across the nation are sure to be reduced with Evan off of our screens. “I suppose I’ll never find a woman to tie to train tracks… well, back to my broken dick factory,” he wept as his v-neck dipped lower and lower, eventually tucking itself into his pants. She also eliminated Vinny, so he’ll have to return to 2002. Also somebody else. There are only a few men remaining, but I think we can all agree she has no idea who the hell Wells is. I’m not sure that Wells and Jojo have met. So maybe next episode they should introduce Jojo to Wells. My best guess is that Wells sticks around because Wells and Alex only count as one man. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, my prediction for this seasons winner is Alex on Wells’ shoulders in a giant lab coat pretending to be a full-size adult, like in The Little Rascals. Calling it now.

Alex and Wells are unstoppable.
Alex and Wells are unstoppable.
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