Bachelorette Recap: Be More Like Mussolini

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Only three things are certain in life: death, taxes, and Chads. Everyone dies, everyone pays taxes, and every person named Chad is a horrible douche. The current Chad of The Bachelorette is so special that he got a two night special dedicated entirely to his Chaddiness. In fact, for the last two shows, Jojo has been a background character in Chad’s journey for love, and by love I mean punching. This was probably a relief to Jojo, who clearly doesn’t want to be there. At this point Jojo is just a girl who shows up at the house, talks a little about how she still loves Ben, and then takes a forgettable personal trainer from the Midwest on a date in a vintage blue car. She doesn’t want to be there at all, but Chad wants to be there, because there’s free deli meat.

The true star of this show.
The true star of this show.

In an attempt to cover two nights of television in one concise recap, we’ll dispense with all non-Chad things and only cover Chad. Because he’s the real star. The two night Chadchelorette featured a date where the men attended a “sex talk” which was one of those cringey shows that high school theater kids think is edgy, like Avenue Q or Hamilton. Basically, a bunch of people walk onto a stage and say, “One time I had sex and there was SEX STUFF INVOLVED” and everyone calls them brave and it’s insufferable. Jojo gave the group of guys 40 minutes to come up with sex stories to tell, and this group included Evan, so it’s amazing that it didn’t generate an Amber alert. Also included in the group was Chad, because this is, after all, the Chadchelorette.

"Watch out, someone might say PENIS at this show because they're craaaaaazy."
“Watch out, someone might say PENIS at this show because they’re craaaaaazy.”

Chad clearly had trouble sorting through the myriad of sex stories he has from his career as a real estate agent in the sea of models known as  Tulsa, Oklahoma, AKA the New York City of Oklahoma (note: actually, it isn’t even the biggest city in Oklahoma, so more like the Albany of Oklahoma). And Chad sells LUXURY real estate in Tulsa, Oklahoma, which means DOUBLE WIDE trailers, so you can imagine that his life is essentially a vagina buffet. Forced to choose from such vivid sexing memories, Chad instead decided to mumble about nothing and then try to make out with Jojo. She turned her cheek and he ended up kissing her cheek, and it was so awkward that even the people running this cringe-fest of a show were embarrassed for him.

Actually, in Tulsa this is considered third base.
In Tulsa this is considered third base.

Evan, the ex-preacher/erectile dysfunction expert/1920s silent movie villain, was also a highlight in the sex talk competition, and not for the “register with the state” reasons that one would assume. Instead, he told a story about how steroids make your dick small. He specifically aimed the story at Chad, who sat sullenly dreaming of deli meat and his third story penthouse in Tulsa. After the performance, Chad and Evan had to walk past each other in the small theater, and Evan’s dreams became a reality as Chad ripped off his shirt. Later, Chad explained that it wasn’t because Evan had publicly mocked his small dick, it was because Evan had poor theater etiquette, which makes total sense. “I was cool with him telling everyone about my small dick, but I will not tolerate his disrespect for small theater seating protocol.”

Here's a guy we all definitely want to hear talk about sex.
Here’s a guy we all definitely want to hear talk about sex.

After the sex talk, Chad was so angry about Evan’s poor theater etiquette that he punched a door. Everyone was very afraid for their safety, requiring a security guard to be posted around the Bachelor mansion. The guys kept talking about how it was to protect them from Chad, but more likely it was to keep Nick Viall from his daily attempts to sneak back onto the set. In a private conversation, Chad and the talking Canadian porcelain mannequin Daniel discussed how Chad is kinda like Hitler. Daniel gave some very solid advice: “Be more like Mussolini.” That’s honestly how low the bar is set for Chads in this world: just literally be the second-worst person on earth and that would be cool. It’s also possible that Daniel was thinking about Emeril Lagasse, because Daniel is so very very dumb.

Pictured: Chad and Daniel discuss their favorite dictators as Chad eats a table leg.
Pictured: Chad and Daniel discuss their favorite dictators as Chad eats a table leg.

There was also a date with James Taylor, but nobody cares, because not only is James Taylor not James Taylor, he’s also not Chad. So that’s enough about that Chadless garbage.At the rose ceremony, the men were very upset when Chad got to stick around, because apparently unlike the audience, they couldn’t see the producers screaming, “KEEP CHAD” into Jojo’s ear.

Look at all the not Chads
Look at all the not Chads

With the rose ceremony complete, the guys and Jojo headed to Western Pennsylvania. As someone who lived in Western Pennsylvania for many years, I think the producers were confused about the difference between Pennsylvania and Alaska. They kept showing clips of bears and they had Jojo dog sledding. Based on how the show presented it, everyone in Western PA dog sleds around bears all day, when in reality they just die slowly of black lung disease and alcoholism.

Western Pennsylvania, as envisioned by The Bachelorette producers
Western Pennsylvania, as envisioned by The Bachelorette producers

There was some date with war veteran guy where they got in a hot tub after dog sledding, always cautious of Western PA’s abundance of grizzly bears, moose, and killer whales, but much like the date with Not James Taylor, this date didn’t involve Chad, so who cares. Back at the house, tensions were growing between Chad and the non-Chads. It seemed that Chad hadn’t taken the sage wisdom of Daniel, and was not being nearly as Mussolini as he should have been. Specifically, he was picking fights with Alex, the world’s buffest 6th grader. It seemed that there may even be a fight brewing between Chad and Alex, with the understanding that Alex would have to actually be Wells and Alex on each other’s shoulders in a giant lab coat. That’s the only way they could actually fight, like Chad versus The Little Rascals.

Alex and Wells prepare to fight Chad
Alex and Wells prepare to fight Chad

There was then a group date to Pittsburgh, the greatest city on the planet and a welcome respite from the constant bear attacks of Pennsylvania’s untamed wilderness. The guys got to meet Ben Roethlisberger, Hines Ward, and some other Steeler as they competed in a football challenge. Back at the house, Alex stood on four phone books and had tense stare downs with Chad. Back in Pittsburgh, Jordan met Ben Roethlisberger and said, “Oh, that’s what ‘professional football player’ means? I’ve been misspelling poolboy for years.” Jojo also received relationship advice from Ben Roethlisberger, which is always a good idea, because Ben has received tons of relationship advice came from highly-trained defense attorneys.

"The key to a good relationship is the Fifth Amendment."
“The key to a good relationship is the Fifth Amendment.”

Some unimportant non-Chaddy things happened after the football game, and then we finally got back to The Chadchelorette. Back at the house, fighting off waves of bears, Chad and the rest of the guys were reaching a show-down. The card had arrived for a two-on-one date with Alex and Chad, so as Alex tightened the straps on his stilts, Chad picked more fights. He threatened Jordan specifically, threatening to find him after the show and beat him up. The joke, of course, was on Chad because the security at Aaron Rodgers’ pool house is flawless.

"Joke's on you, Chad, I don't even have a house."
“Joke’s on you, Chad, I don’t even have a house.”

With the two-on-one date finally under way, Jojo and the guys went for a hike, complete with the guys hacking out a path in the woods. Once again, the producers were seemingly unaware that they were in Western Pennsylvania rather than searching for a lost tribe in Venezuela. Still, the guys hacked out a path to a stream, where Jojo then took the guys aside for their date. She asked Alex about important topics like whether Chad was violent and how he managed to reach the cookie jar even though she put it way up on the top shelf.

Nice try, Alex.
Nice try, Alex.

After speaking with Alex, Jojo chose to send Chad home. Being the calm, rational person that he is, Chad thanked her for her time and headed about his way. Just kidding, he’s a Chad, so instead he Chadded real hard, walking through the woods whistling a serial killer theme song as he prepared to make one less dependent on Aaron Rodgers’ tax forms. The episode ended with Chad whistling as he tromped through the wilds of Western Pennsylvania, somehow immune to bears as he plans his final masterpiece. His Chadsterpiece. And according to the preview, tune in  next week for… THE CHADSTERPIECE.

"I HAVEN'T EVEN BEGUN TO CHAD"
“I HAVEN’T EVEN BEGUN TO CHAD”

 

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  1. Lynda
    January 29, 2017

    I’m re-reading some of these again, because apparently I have no life. The worlds buffest 6th grader comment was hilarious! Sick in bed but atleast I have this to brighten my day!

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