Bachelorette Recap: A Fistful of Deli Meat

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There has never been a President Chad. Or even a Vice President Chad. Or even just like a nice postal worker or something named Chad. Why is that? Because every Chad since the beginning of time has been terrible. A recent discovery in rural France found cave paintings with a figure drawn apart from the other figures, complete with spiked hair and a popped collar, under which was crudely written the name, “CHAD.” So it’s no surprise that the worst person in The Bachelorette mansion is named Chad. Even the catering team hates Chad, because he consumes lunch meat like a pregnant dog.

Pictured: Chad at the cocktail party
Pictured: Chad at the cocktail party

On Monday’s episode of The Chadchelorette, the world reached peak Chad, complete with suitcase-assisted pull ups and open-ended metaphors about protein shakes. The only people on earth more concerned with consuming protein than Chad are porn stars. The episode began with a date to a firefighter competition. Jojo said, “This is a hot date, woo” or something else insufferably Jojoey. There isn’t much to say about the firefighter date except that the firefighter won because of course he goddamn did, it’s his job. The guy does it for a living, it would be like Jordan winning a competition at disappointing his family.

Jojo looks like Mickey Mouse in this picture.
Jojo looks like Mickey Mouse in this picture.

The standout from the firefighter date wasn’t the firefighter, but instead the furthest thing on earth from a firefighter: wilting flower and All-4-One wrangler, Wells. Wells struggled so hard to simply wear a heavy coat and carry things around that the producers are going to have to give him a Life Alert necklace before the next challenge. By the end of the competition he looked like a malnourished Victorian orphan, to the point that he required medical assistance. “What happened here?” the medics asked when they arrived. “Well, that guy over there put on a moderately heavy coat, we’re not sure if he’s going to make it.” Somehow, this impressed Jojo, because Jojo is as mysterious as she is clearly only on this show to get famous. Honestly, I don’t think anyone in America hates The Bachelorette more than Jojo.

RIP Wells: Loving Contestant, Friend, and Daughter
RIP Wells: Beloved Contestant, Friend, and Daughter

The one-on-one date with Derek was next, and it was a choose your own adventure. Derek was likely disappointed that Lauren B was not an option. Instead they chose to take a plane to San Francisco, where Jojo wore a shiny dress and the date was so completely boring that my television entered sleep mode. Maybe Derek got a rose, who cares, because it doesn’t really seem like Jojo cares either. So, sure, let’s say Derek got a rose. Nobody cares anyway.

This date is so boring it's a wonder  the pilots stayed awake.
This date was so boring it’s a miracle and a shame the pilots stayed awake.

The final date of the night was to ESPN, or as Even calls it, Not Bravo. The guys stopped in to Sports Nation, to be given power rankings by ESPN commentators. For a moment, Jordan closed his eyes and pretended it was all real, and he was finally happy. But alas, Jordan had to open his eyes and the date continued, with Chad not taking it seriously. For some odd reason, Chad thought it was weird to be doing goofy shit on huge group dates, because he apparently didn’t know what he was signing up for this season. “What’s The Bachelorette? Is that some kinda free lunch meat thing? Because if so, I’m down.” And as Chad proved, it technically isn’t not that.

James won the competition despite his many inappropriate Nazi salutes.
James won the competition despite his many inappropriate Nazi salutes.

The tension of Chad’s actions came to a head at the cocktail party. A brief summary of Chad’s irritating actions include, telling the other guys they were phony, sneaking in extra time with Jojo, interrupting everyone’s time with Jojo, being named Chad, doing pullups while strapping a suitcase full of protein powder to his dick, eating the nation’s supply of lunch meats, and making the world’s best metaphor. That metaphor, to recap, was when he said, “These guys, if they were a protein shake… yeah protein shakes are great.” A luxury real estate agent AND a luxury poet? Wow.

"I saw the best protein shakes of my generation destroyed by pushups, pullups, hysterical"
“I saw the best protein shakes of my generation destroyed by pushups, pullups, suitcases…”

Chad’s particular attention to free food disturbed the audience, large-necked tiny man Alex, and probably Nick Viall and Becca who depend on the scraps thrown into the Bachelor mansion dumpster for their sustenance. Alex, also known by the human name Mighty Mouse, stands for principles like respect, honor, and not eating so much fucking deli meat. Seriously, Chad did eat about twelve pounds of ham throughout the cocktail party. If my dog could take human form for a day, it would act exactly like Chad. But despite what his actions may indicate, Chad is not an enchanted dog, he is a Chad. And Chads are gonna Chad, leading to a face-off between Mighty Mouse and Chad. (Technically not a face off, more like Mighty Mouse’s face to Chad’s nipples.)

"What? No! Of course I'm not a dog disguised as a Bachelorette contestant, now bring me more ham."
“What? No! Of course I’m not a dog disguised as a Bachelorette contestant, now bring me more ham.”

The night ended with Chad sticking around, because of course that happened. The villain always has to stick around, and it isn’t like Jojo cares who comes and goes. Hell, even Evan stayed and that guy looks like Snidely Whiplash’s youngest daughter. The only notable guy to go home was James, the Bachelor Superfan of the Bates Motel. “I suppose Jojo and James just wasn’t meant to be, I may never find the perfect woman to turn into a coat,” he likely lamented as he set up the telescope in Kaitlyn’s yard. Next week (and probably all season), stay tuned as Chad punches everyone and everyone punches Chad. It’s a very Chaddy season on The Chadchelorette.

Spoiler Alert: THIS ENTIRE SEASON
Spoiler Alert: THIS ENTIRE SEASON
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