If you’ve ever wondered what your racist, senile uncle who ruins Thanksgiving would do with a billion dollars, look no further than the Trump presidential candidacy. It’s like someone mixed all of the worst parts of America into a blender, poured it out into a mold, and then put doll hair on top. It’s simply amazing, especially since he has no chance of winning, nor obviously any intentions of winning, and is just doing this because he’s old and bored. When most old people get bored they buy “limited edition” bald eagle coins from toll free numbers, but when the Donald gets bored, he goes on a racist comedy tour across the country because why not. His entire campaign platform is the closest political equivalent to your grandfather screaming, “THE NURSES ARE STEALING FROM ME.” And yet, despite all of his hilarious old-cootery and his Klan-ny quotables, the highlight of his “presidential run” isn’t his outrageous behavior, but rather his hat. His hat is truly the star of the show. Look upon it and be humbled.
Everything about this hat is amazing – it is the superstar in this presidential race. It’s as if Donald Trump woke up, saw the octogenarian rabbit that usually lives on his head and said, “I bet I can find something uglier.” So he went to a Sunoco in Branson, Missouri and browsed their Menswear section. Next to hats that say things like, “Used To Be A Strong Breeze, Now I’m An Old Fart!” or “I HATE MONDAYS” he found a hat that said “Make America Great Again.” All that was left to do was to have the image of Garfield removed and he was set to look like a real professional. Lincoln had his iconic hat, and now Donald has his iconic hat. I hope Mount Rushmore is ready, because unlike Lincoln, President Trump’s hat is making that rock.
What makes the hat so amazing isn’t just the Florida gift shop quality of it, but also the simple, elegant design that looks like it was put on with an actual typewriter. It’s just the words on a plain white old person hat. If your hat ever gets caught in your printer, the result would be this hat. Granted, Big Donny T is probably a little hesitant to get creative with his designs since he accidentally photoshopped Nazis onto the American flag. That’s enough to stop anyone from trying to design anything ever again. Imagine if you had to make a logo for your business and you accidentally just put up an enormous billboard of Hitler’s face – next time you’d just write WE ARE A BUSINESS on a billboard and make sure it was in the blandest font imaginable. That’s exactly what happened here, because as the old saying goes, “Better to be safe than to cover the American flag in Nazis.”
So in 2016, don’t vote for Donald Trump – vote for his hospital gift shop hat. America needs a leader who is no nonsense, a leader who is direct, a leader with a clear message, and no candidate has been as clear as Donald Trump’s bingo hall hat. It literally is just a sentence in size 72 font printed onto a white hat. Or better yet, don’t just vote for this amazing national landmark, but help the style to catch on. No longer will we be shackled down by our boring hats with their symbols and confusing colors and accidental Nazis. Now you can let the world know your thoughts by printing them on a hat. Tonight I’m burning all of my Phillies hats and buying a dozen white hats designed for grandparents touring retired naval vessels. And on those hats I shall write “I LIKE THE PHILLIES,” and I will print that onto the hat using Microsoft Word 95. We should all be as straight forward and to the point as Donny T. He’s a leader in style, a leader in hair care, and a leader for America. Plus, most importantly, it means we don’t have to look at his hair. Vote for Trump’s Hat 2016.