With Apologies From Pennsylvania: Rick Santorum 2016

Share on Facebook0Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Tumblr0Pin on Pinterest0Share on Google+0Share on Reddit0Share on StumbleUpon0Email this to someone

Pennsylvania has produced many great things in its time. It has one of the Great Lakes, Lake Erie (which is more like a Meh Lake). It gave us Hall & Oates, Mike Ditka, Kevin Bacon, Tina Fey, Jeff Goldblum, Perry Como, Dan Marino, Joan Jett, Questlove, Bradley Cooper, Taylor Swift, and Charles goddamn Bronson. Oh yeah, it also gave us this cool thing called AMURRICA. You’re welcome, world, for all of your freedom and Death Wish sequels. But no state is perfect. There are some people that we’ve thrust upon the world that even a thousand Jeff Goldblums can’t make up for – but you should go ahead and imagine a room filled with 1,000 Jeff Goldblums. I’m talking, of course, about the man voted “Most Likely To Pin A Scarlet ‘A‘ Onto A Townsperson” in high school: Rick Santorum.

He's got a gun... and a Life Alert.
Just taking a bath at his age is a death wish.

Ricky, as nobody calls him, announced on Wednesday that he would run for President. It was adorable, like when a toddler says he’s going to grow up to be an airplane. “Of course you are, Jimmy, now here’s a crayon to eat while the adults talk.” He’ll never be president, and not just because he looks like Little Finger from Game of Thrones impregnated a ventriloquist dummy. No, it’s because he’s insane. Not “I don’t agree with his policies” insane, but more like drowning gays to see if they’re witches insane. Imagine being the local police in Santorum’s neighborhood and having to field hundreds of calls a year along the lines of, “There’s a gay in the tree outside my house and it looks feral.” If Pennsylvania can take hope in any of this, it’s that Jeff Goldblum is still more likely to be president than Rick Santorum. While we’re on it, Goldblum/Bacon 2016: The Pennsylvania Ticket.

"Officer, please hurry, I think there's a gay monster under my bed."
“Officer, please hurry, I think there’s a gay monster under my bed.”

Now, obviously there’s been some extremist imagery and sarcasm used to describe Ricky so far, because obviously he doesn’t call the police because telephones are how the devil gets his dick in your ear. But here are some actual Rick Santorum golden moments. Ricky once said “If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery.” He then went on to compare gay sex to “man on child” and “man on dog.” And no, he didn’t say this from a pulpit in 1845 as a doctor extracted his yellow humors, he said it recently, in the real actual world. All of this also seems a bit like a preemptive defense so that once gay marriage is nationwide, when Ricky gets caught doing “hamster things” he can go, “The law wasn’t clear about the difference between consenting adults as opposed to this hamster.” “But it says between two consenting adults.” “Sure, but this is an adult hamster.” And did I bring this up strictly to write Rick Santorum hamster erotica? Maybe.

Thanks a lot, gays.
Thanks a lot, gays.

But have no fear, he does not relegate the entirety of his stock of insanity to gay marriage, he also wants to outlaw pornography. And yes, once again, he is not a character from The Scarlet Letter, he’s a 2015 politician. Not just gay porn, but all porn. Does this guy not understand how popular porn is in America? If porn ran for president, it would win in a landslide. Porn/Goldblum 2016. And we all know that Republicans hate Obamacare, but how many of them compared it to apartheid in South Africa? Only one: our boy Ricky. Kinda like how Nelson Mandela once described the 27 years he spent doing hard labor in a prison as, “This feels like healthcare reform.” Oh, Ricky, analogies are hard, but penises shouldn’t be. Another great Ricky moment was when he once accused The Netherlands of killing their old people. That’s a statement you’d expect from a crack-addled panhandler, not a presidential nominee. “The Dutch are killing their old people,” is something you’d expect shouted at you from a poop-covered shanty, not Air Force One. Also, he wants to ban contraception, because apparently dumb Americans aren’t breeding fast enough. He’s great.

"This cheese is made of grandparents."
“This cheese is made of grandparents.”

In summation, I would like to apologize on behalf of Pennsylvania. When Rick Santorum is on TV trying to put lesbians in the town square stockades, please remember Jeff Goldblum, Hall & Oates, Kevin Bacon, and Charles “Death Wish” Bronson. Because when Pennsylvanians are more worried about what Rick Santorum is doing for our reputation than Bill Cosby, you know we’re regretful. So, we’re sorry. In closing, I’ll leave you with this charming quote from Little Ricky in which he suggests shipping black people off to factories:

”I don’t want to make black people’s lives better by giving them other people’s money. I want to give them the opportunity to go out and earn their money and provide for themselves and their families. The best way to do that is to get the manufacturing sector of the economy rolling.”

“Because it’s not like they can be doctors or something.” He’s a real actual human being in 2015. Really.

Former US Republican Senator from Pennsylvania Rick Santorum speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in National Harbor, Maryland, on March 15, 2013.   AFP PHOTO/Nicholas KAMM        (Photo credit should read NICHOLAS KAMM/AFP/Getty Images)
“You get back to your shaming stump, Hester Prynne!”

 

 

Share on Facebook0Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Tumblr0Pin on Pinterest0Share on Google+0Share on Reddit0Share on StumbleUpon0Email this to someone

Other Great Stuff You Missed

Categories

Patrick Written by:

You are not authorized to see this part
Please, insert a valid App IDotherwise your plugin won't work.

Leave a Reply

Be First to Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.