For those who read this blog regularly, you may wonder if I do nothing all day but sit around overanalyzing Disney movies until everyone’s childhood is ruined. You would be correct. As we’ve discussed at length in the brief time that this blog has existed, Disney has some dark, dark, dark, dark stuff going on. Not devil worship, per say, but Disney has never explicitly issued a statement denying Satan, so that’s all I’ll say. Anyway, here are some more dark observations about Disney that you may have missed.
The Lion Lannisters
Similar to Game of Thrones’ Lannister family, there is a famous Disney royal couple who is also dating a little too close to home. Incest isn’t exactly a child-friendly theme these days outside of West Virginia, so it is never expressly admitted in a children’s movie, but one can assume that Simba and Nala are brother/sister. Oh, you don’t believe it? That’s just your childhood’s self-defense mechanism kicking in, so let’s get you past it. Mufasa was a boss – a fact that is universally understood. He’s all, “I’m the king of thunderstorms and life lessons.” We all love Mufasa. Due to his beast-mode status, Mufasa was drowning in lion tail, literally and figuratively. The scene where Simba attempts to wake him up after a night of wild group sex, it is revealed to the viewer that Mufasa is sleeping in a room chock-full-o female lions. This is because lions are so manly that they often exist in prides consisting of one dominant male and several females, similar to Leonardo DiCaprio. Since Mufasa is the goddamn Hugh Hefner of lions, he’s got about thirty sidepieces, and this is confirmed because the only other male lion that we meet in the movie is his brother, who lives on lonely masturbation island in a cave somewhere with hyenas. And we meet Nala’s mother, as well as Simba’s mother, but who is Nala’s father? The answer is obvious: Mufasa. So congratulations, Can You Feel The Love Tonight is now officially a song about Simba’s two friends watching him commit incest with his half-sister. And you showed that movie to your children, you monster.
Life Is Like A Hurricane When You’re Orphans
The Disney company is no stranger to killing parents. In fact, they’re pretty obsessed with it. Think of any Disney movie and try to think of the character’s parents. At best you’ve got a single parent, and at worst you’ve Lilo and Stitch where the characters are actively monitored by Child and Youth Services as part of the plot. In Bambi and Lion King, you actually get to watch parents die. Following in that tradition, we have Huey, Dewey, and Louie, the nephews of Donald and the grandnephews of Uncle Scrooge, and wards of the state. They wear the same outfits in every scene not because they prefer those outfits, but because those are their sole possessions. Nobody can point to these kids’ mom or dad, and they spend 100% of their time with their uncles. And who has custody of these little monsters? It’s either their rage-filled uncle who never wears pants (that sounds ideal) or it’s an eccentric billionaire who trots them around the world on dangerous missions looking for treasure. Whatever the case, we never meet their parents, so it’s safe to assume in the Disney universe that they died terrible deaths. That’s why the boys are always acting out, because they had to watch their parents get murdered, similar to Bruce Wayne. I think there was also a Ducktales episode where the boys got scared of a spooky ghost and asked Uncle Scrooge to go home, to which he snapped and yelled, “You don’t have a home because your parents chose a crack pipe over their own children.” It was super dark, I thought that was a bit much.
Goofy – The Worst Monster of Them All
The original Disney gang is a nostalgic group of characters which brings up happy memories for almost everyone living on earth today. Mickey, Donald, Minnie, Daisy, Goofy, and Pluto. They are adorable. They are classics. Mickey and Minnie are mice, Daisy and Donald are ducks, and Goofy and Pluto are dogs. That’s universally understood. But have you ever considered the implications? It means that Goofy is complicit in Pluto’s slavery. Every time that Goofy and Mickey hang out, Goofy sits silently by as Pluto is kept in chains and walked around on a leash. Speak up, Goofy, you horrible monster. This is a world where apparently Goofy – as a fellow dog – is cognizant and free-thinking enough to wear clothes, speak English, and hold a job, but Pluto is kept as a pet, forced to live in a doghouse, and isn’t allowed to speak. It’s a terrible thing to notice, and now it is something you cannot unsee. This is the exact equivalent of being a human, hanging out with giant talking mice, and that mouse having a human as a pet. It’s terrifying. Goofy needs to stand up for Pluto’s rights, because his silence is deafening.