Last week, I reviewed Bloodborne, which seemed to get a whole bunch of pageviews, and since I’m an absolute whore, I’ll throw another video game review on the fire. Much like my review of Bloodborne, there will be very few spoilers, if any, because I am terrible at video games and rarely understand what is going on – Pac Man is about the depth of my attention span. (For those looking for an update on Bloodborne, here’s a brief recap: I die a lot and I still have no idea if that game even has a plot for me to not understand.) Similar to my review of that game, this will neither be informative nor helpful. So, without further adieu, here is my review of Dragon Age: Inquisition, or as I call it, “Castle Bang.”
In this website’s earlier days, we had a list of video games that everyone should play, which included “Space Bang,” aka “Mass Effect.” Dragon Age is made by the same company as “Space Bang,” and as such, I have approached the games similarly – which is to say that I run around beautiful environments trying to sleep with characters. Not because I get some sick pleasure out of it, but simply because I can. What other game allows players to use their character to bang other characters*? (*outside of Japan) Barely any, so it’s always fun to spit game as an elf, which is all I do. An average play session consists of some wizard telling me something about some legend, and my elf says, “Blah, blah, sure, wanna bang now?” They always say no. In fact, I’ve failed miserably at every attempt at having sex with a wizard in this game, and I take that very personally. Sure, I’ve saved some villages and restored some peace to the region and killed some demons, but there’s absolutely goose egg in the win column for the “Wizard Sex” category, so I consider myself a failure. Why does my elf character want so badly to seduce a wizard? As explained before, simply because I can.
Beyond using the game as an elven Tinder app, the gameplay is spectacular. Much like “Skyrim,” this isn’t so much a gaming experience for me as much as it is a distraction engine. A character will approach my elf and say, “Please help, my brother is sick and needs herbs from the northern mountain,” so my elf is all, “Cool, I’m trying to stop the imminent end of the world but I’ll absolutely go pick some flowers for your brother’s headache because apparently your goddamn hands are broken.” While heading to collect things for the villager, I’ll see a goat and BAM, there goes my entire plan. I’ll chase that goat for a few hundred feet, kill it, and then take some goat leather. By that time, I’ve forgotten every single one of the 10,000 promises I’ve made to villagers, and now I am Patrick Malloy: Goat Hunter. Then while I’m hunting goats, I end up at a castle, and inside some guy gives me a new quest. On the way to that quest, I see a waterfall and go check it out and.. what’s that at the waterfall? Is that a goat? And the cycle repeats itself. I consistently accomplish nothing. I’ve killed like a thousand goats.
The best part of the game is that the player can craft armor and weapons, and then name those items. Whereas I imagine most players that spend dozens of hours as an Elven archer craft practical items with equally practical names, I simply try to make as many items as I can so that I can name them after 80s movies. My currently daggers are called “First Blood” and “The Nostromo,” whereas my currently equipped armor is called, “Save Ferris.” It doesn’t even make sense, but I’m having a ball. If this were the real world, my playthrough of this game would basically boil down to a war room full of magical fantasy characters debating how best to end a war and save the world from demons, with the hero bursting in every few minutes holding a helmet and giggling that, “I made a hat called Bladerunner, let’s go goat hunting.” This is a great game, and although I’ll certainly never beat it due to my lack of attention span and abundance of ineptitude, you should absolutely play it. Especially if you want to bang a wizard, because – though I have not yet banged a wizard – there is always hope.