As a 28 year old man, there are a lot of things I don’t understand. Examples include sports, finance, art, science, women, literature, cooking, and just about anything else that could be useful. I am, however, quite the expert on drinking alone and Simpson’s quotes, so expect my Presidential nominee announcement once I hit 35. One of the topics that I understand least is Twitter, or as my parents call it, Tweetbook. When they say this, I have a good laugh and pretend that I understand it any better than they do and then they ask me why I’m visiting and I ask for money and I eat their food. Millenials truly are the greatest generation. Since this website is dedicated to me writing about topics I don’t understand, allow me to explain Twitter, also known as Tweetbook. To begin, I’ve used my considerable artistic skills to create a pie chart illustrating the content you can expect to find on Twitter.
My loose understanding is that Twitter is like AOL Instant Messenger but rather than chatting with friends, everyone is thrown into the same chat room about boy bands. Google has informed me that One Direction is a band whose name sounds like a cult, whereas Twitter has informed me that One Direction is indeed a cult. Similar to the Manson Family ranch, Twitter is a place where young women gather to worship and/or attack people based on their allegiance to charismatic young men. (*Fun historical fact: Charles Manson is also a musician!) As an outsider looking in, it appears to me that the key to success on Twitter is to be a sickly young British boy with a 90s mom haircut. Or Justin Bieber, who is apparently still a thing. I’ve noticed that these numerous Manson-y cults have catchy names – as all good cults require – such as Directioners (One Direction), Beliebers (Bieber), Swifties (famed 18th Century satirist Jonathan Swift), and Lovatics (followers of Smashmouth, taken from the lyrics “This is a love attack” in the immortal Walking On The Sun). In summation, Twitter is Jonestown with funny haircuts.
Another large portion of Twitter is comprised of hashtags, better known as digital waffles. Every time I see a hashtag, I want waffles, so if it is subliminal advertising by the powerful corporate waffle lobby, then bravo. # – and now you want waffles. Back to the point, the success of a hashtag depends of a few factors. A successful hashtag should incorporate one or more of the following attributes: refer to one of the aforementioned cults (#CharlesMansaniacs, #Smashmouth4Ever), use grammar that would fail a kindergarten homework assignment (#disschoolwhatbelike), mention a primetime rerun that is currently airing on daytime TV (#FamilyGuy, #BigBangTheory), dead celebrities or rumored-to-be-dead celebrities (#JoanRivers, #Alf), and Chris Hardwick. Other popular hashtag genres include reactionary feminism (#AllMenAreHitler) or any hashtag which can used to backdoor not-so-subtle racism against Obama (Indiana Jones and the Obama Is a Kenyan Mooslim #LiberalMovieTitles). Moral of the story is that rarely are these things about waffles, making them frustrating teases. #wafflesaredelicious
The final route for success on Twitter is a fake random celebrity who posts deep quotes written by a freshman stoner who just bought his first Jim Morrison poster for the dorm. If you want 1 million followers my noon tomorrow, make a fake Ray Liotta account that tweets things like “Happiness is hard because if it were soft it would be rain #blessed #fitness.” There will be a surprisingly high demand for this sort of crap from your fake Ray Liotta account. The best way to come up with material is to imagine what would happen if the employees of your local mall’s Pac Sun had written Walden. Try it out, like this: Life can be sad, but remember that sadness is hugs for your heart #rayliottawisdom #explore. If you’ve ever had a teenager who drives a Scion tell you that “life is about the journey,” then you know what I mean. Hopefully you have enjoyed this lesson on Twitter from an out of touch old man with less than 200 followers who only uses it to write dick jokes and find out what’s on TV. Follow me @bpatrickmalloy for more useless advice.